The Tiny Voice of Reason

I Feel Safe Enough to Cry....Safe Enough to Feel

When I was a kid, I learned quickly how to be a mirror.  If I was yelled at, they always said, "Don't cry."  If I was hit or given a beating, they always said, "Don't cry" and if I did, the beating would continue until I stopped.  I learned quickly that showing nothing seemed to be the response they wanted.

Showing nothing meant all of the time.  If after a beating I was found crying I was told, "I'll give you something to cry about."  Sadness was not the only emotion I repressed, I repressed all of them.  Sadness, anger, hope, happiness, contentment, fear there was no where safe to express those things.

When I was happy whatever I felt happy about left or was taken away.  I stopped being outwardly happy to keep my happiness safe.  Everything I felt had to be protected.  I withdrew, stopped talking and simply watched life.  That did not seem to be satisfactory for others.  Now I was too detached and abnormal.  A potential monster that should be watched since I now instilled fear instead of disdain.

I have never cried at a funeral.  Not for family or friend.  I look at the body and they are not there.  If anything I try not to laugh at funerals.  I always remember some stupid thing they or we did and it's so hilarious I want to laugh.  Not everyone would be that understanding though.  I am not going to know who comes to mine yet I do know I don't want that endless wailing.  I would prefer laughter.  Needless to say, I stopped attending funerals, that part where they lower your casket into the ground, when I was fifteen.

I have compartmentalised myself for so long it is a tough habit to break.  Whatever I have felt throughout the years, especially in stressful situations, I shove down to deal with later.  As one relative said, "Suck it up and move on."  In a way, I guess that is what I have more in common with males.  I can separate myself from my emotions enough to deal or get what has to be done, done.  The problem with that is sometimes there is no relief and it is one stress after another.  

If you shove enough emotional things down eventually it all explodes on you if you do not have a safe place or person to go to.  The one time the pressure escaped almost ended in suicide when I was thirteen.  Before my custody case, the last time I really cried, I was three or four years old.  I was almost thirty by then so that would be twenty five years of stress.  No wonder I cried for a week when I finally found my safe person.  My partner.  

I finally feel safe enough to feel.

RV Homesteading: Well Water, Finally!

     It has been two years since we have turned on an indoor tap and saw water running out.  It will probably still be a few months before that is a reality.  Today was a good day.  We woke up at 6 am and tottered around our RV like any ancient being in their mid-thirties and late forties would, according to our six year old, then called the well drilling company to see how close they were.  Ten minutes was
the reply.  Our digital camera batteries were fully charged and raring to go and after bundling up in our layers of winter clothes for the brisk ten degree windchill, out we went to greet them.  It took midday for our camera to catch on that today was the ninth of February 2012 and not the 8th, poor thing.

We were not expecting to see such massive trucks.  The space I had cleared in what will eventually be our front garden looked miniscule.  The well drillers greeted us with enthusiasm, popped out with shovels and quickly moved our three blueberry bushes and one lone rhododendron out of
the way.  I briefly wondered if they might perchance do a bit of gardening.  I laboured over moving just one of those plants with it's frozen soil.

The drill was up and running by nine, with it's drill tower reaching further up than our utility pole.  I tried not to look up at it with all those clouds moving about as the illusion of it swaying in the breeze made me quite queasy.  Vertigo really does suck.  The noise was also very loud, not deafening, just loud and you could feel the ground vibrating through your feet.  We received an estimate for an eighty foot well, water was struck at sixty feet then another twenty feet were drilled to ensure it was perfect.  

We don't retain oil or mineral rights in this state so even though we pretended we struck oil, we were
perfectly happy they did not as we really do not wish to move or whatever happens when you do not own oil rights. There was one barrier that was put up around the drill site and we soon found out just how messy it is drilling for water.  The barrier, which was already filled with excavated dirt from the hole was now flooding with water and turing into mud.  A second barrier quickly went up utilising my garden edging stones as temporary weights.  Those edgers sure are versatile, aren't they?

The casings were prepared soon after with some welding to do what naught.  I have no idea what the naught was, then installed in the well and sealed with casing seal.  I initially thought the bags were cement until I read the sides.  They added a contraption at the top of the well which reminded me of There Will Be Blood since it had that wheel like thing on top.  There was a piece of casing which was welded off and leveled in a way so the water began to pour out of it.  Can you believe I ran out of batteries on our digital camera right when it was gushing like a broken water main?  I had to run inside for my spare duracell and charge the lithium ones.  I did not succeed in getting the "gusher" shot as I think of it, though I did get a "steady flow" shot.

After that, the well was capped and out the drill truck went before the casing truck backed up, turned around and followed.  Until tomorrow when a trench will be made, pipes will be laid, a water tank installed, perchance a water pump if it's not in there already and eventually a standpipe.  Our job is to build a room around the water tank and provide a heater to keep it well insulated, or so I have heard.  
Either way, we will keep you posted with blog posts and pictures.  There are so many of them I'll just have to pick the most relevant ones.

RV Homesteading: Going Back Home

I have had quite a few people wonder out loud why I am not "totally freaking out" about homesteading in a travel trailer.  The only answer I have to that observation is, I have done this before.  I grew up in the West Indies in what many would consider a three room shack with my maternal grandmother, my mother and about five older cousins my gran took care of for my aunts and uncles.

We had no indoor plumbing, no electricity, an outhouse, outdoor shower, gas tank stove, two beds and a huge garden.  The one difference I have had to deal with while RV homesteading is the frigid temperatures.  The temperature rarely drops below sixty in the West Indies.  That might be the reason for my obvious obsession with being warm.

Before my uncle installed the outdoor plumbing, we would walk to the local standpipe with various buckets, empty jugs and canisters to fill with water we hauled back to the storage containers we kept in the kitchen.  There would be a line and occasionally someone at the standpipe would be taking a bath with an improvised shower curtain.

I consider how I am living now to be luxurious compared to my upbringing.  I have electricity, a refrigerator, television, a computer, telephone and other amenities we would walk over to a more well off neighbour to obtain the use of.  I never heard of insulation growing up.  Our house was simply unpainted, uninsulated and untreated lumber.  If a board or two rotted my uncle or cousins would simply rip it out and replace it with a new one.

Everyone had chores as far as my grandmother was concerned.  I cleaned the glass chimneys of the kerosene lamps, trimmed the wicks, washed any of my clothes that did not need bleach and took out the portable toilets (aka chamber pots, potty) all by the age of five.  By age six I knew how to light the gas stove with it's portable gas tank, handle basic knife skills, garden and cook the basics.  

These skills are essential to most of the worlds population who do not live in developed nations or live in the poor areas of developed nations.  I never thought of these as extraordinary skills or that not everyone knew how to live a simple life.  Normal is whatever you make it.  What I am doing today, homesteading, is like getting back on a bicycle.

RV Homesteading: 46 mph Winds, No Electricity for 2 hours and Still Warm

  Wow, what a night we had.  There was a severe thunderstorm warning, snow and a high wind advisory last night.  Our travel trailer is located from east to west so it barely vibrated with the high west winds.  The temperature went down to 18 degrees, though I have no idea what the wind chill was.  The power went out around 11 pm.  I would say about 10:45 pm.  We notified the utility company of the outage then waited for the power to be restored.

The weather reports had forecasted 65 mph winds and the maximum gusts only got up to 46 mph from the actual weather reports I read.  The inside of our travel trailer was still toasty warm even with the high winds, low outdoor temperature and no heaters running.  It stayed warm for the entire two hours we waited for the power to be restored.  I do believe I did a good job on the insulation and windbreaks if I say so myself.  Nature does like to give pop quizzes it seems.

There are no tall trees immediately next to our travel trailer so there was no danger of falling debris. We also have a back up gas powered generator, yet it was so warm inside there was no need to rush out to plug the trailer into that alternative power source.

RV Homesteading: Down to -6 Degrees F and still warm

It is a warm 9 degrees F outside and about 70 degrees inside.  Our front door lock was frozen, so we heated some water and poured it on to get it open.  I've got to get started on a mud room so that stops.  The temperature dropped to a chilly -6 degrees F last night and we were all wrapped cozy under our microfiber plush blankets dressed in our thermals, hats and wool socks.  Though that might sound cold, okay it was cold outside, it was not as cold as January 2011 when the temperature reached a sub-arctic -27 F.  We piled everyone into one room with two of the electric heaters running and our two dogs piled on blankets on the floor.  

I believe that our having placed the travel trailer with the bedrooms, and all the windows, facing south helps with passive solar heating.  We open the shades to let the sun warm up the travel trailer and close them in the evening when the sun sets to keep the heat in.  

The sky is nice and clear right now and the temperature is rising.  I actually started to feel overheated after being outside for ten minutes or so.   I like to stand at the top of the driveway and survey.  I look for improvements I could make and I have been thinking about adding an attached greenhouse to the south wall.  Set up some 55 gallon barrels, that have been painted black for maximum heat absorption, of water to create bio-mass.  The absorbed heat will then be released at night.  Well, that is a project for another day.  I can't wait to see how it works.  I should also be able to put some winter greens in the attached greenhouse.  Why not make use of the space?

RV Homesteading: Living Without Running Water

We have no well on our property yet and have spent two years living on our homestead, in our travel trailer full time, without running water.  I never thought I would ever say this, yet, I tend to forget that we have no running water here.  Actually, everyone who visits us or passes by our place is shocked to learn that we have no running water.  They always turn and stare at my "garden" in wonder then ask "If you don't have water, how do you have so many plants?"  I have no idea why everyone thinks I planted all that greenery as most of it is nature.  Inevitably they all want to know how we bathe.  

The answer is simple, there are several places you can actually go to get a bath, not free of course, yet they exist.  The first place we were directed to by a cashier at the gas station was a trailer park.  They have public showers that you can pay for $5 a person.  The owner was nice enough to let our kids bathe for free.  While talking to another person at the local supermarket we were told about the Y.M.C.A and yes the song did automatically roll through our heads and stayed for the rest of the day to our dismay.  

We drove a few towns over and found the Y, went in and filled out some paperwork.  If you are suffering financial hardship they offer financial aid.  I think you have to volunteer when you do that though.  We have a family rate that covers all of us for the entire facility.  From showers, to the pool, to the exercise equipment and even the little day care center.  

When we first parked our travel trailer on our new acreage, we thought to buy a portable RV fresh water tank and fill the water storage tank.  We took the heavy duty vinyl water tank to the gas station, filled it with about 50 gallons of water, I'd have to check the capacity to see if that's correct, and started to fill the tank.  That is when we noticed the pipes in the bathroom were leaking onto the floor.  We started looking for alternatives right away.

For home water use, we bought a 5 gallon potable water container from the hunting section of Wal-mart.  We used that for one year and then switched to bottled water.  There are not many gas stations with outdoor water faucets in the winter and there's only so much water begging you can do before they cut you off.  We save all the water bottles and take them back to the supermarket for the $0.05 deposit.  That adds up.  We have been able to pay for our groceries on occasion using just the deposit money.  

Our laundry is done at the laundromat a few towns over.  I'm looking into an old fashioned hand crank washing machine and clothes line for next year.  The well drillers were here  a couple weeks ago and we got a few estimates mailed to us.  It will cost us almost $6,000 to drill the well, put in the electric pump and storage tank.  We will have to hire a plumber to hook the water up to our travel trailer.  Just having running water, even if only a stand pipe, on the property will be a relief.  The savings from not driving to take a bath and buy bottled water will be tremendous.  

RV Homesteading: Staying Warm In A Travel Trailer In Winter

I spent a year searching the internet for anything I could find to make our park model travel trailer warmer during the winter for full time living.  It was like pulling teeth to find anyone who was not taking a winter camping trip.  Very frustrating.  The RV winterizing I was searching for did not include shutting off water valves and putting on a camper cover before parking our RV in a non-existent garage.    

I wanted to know how to insulate, what to insulate and how to keep our travel trailer warm at -15 degrees Fahrenheit.  The first bit of insulation we bought were vent cushions from an online RV store.

Through lots of trials and errors we are finally comfortable at 9 degrees and below.  Our first year our neighbours who are a few miles away suggested hay bales for skirting.  That was okay until the mice moved in.  Not to mention that hay is also a fire hazard and can spontaneously combust.  Hay is also heavy once spring hits and all that ice starts to melt.  We used it to mulch our lawn since we couldn't haul it very far without a wheelbarrow.  We had no plants around our travel trailer, just high grass, brush and the gravel plot the seller for our land made for us.  Nothing at all to slow the wind down.  When it blew the entire travel trailer shook, swayed and shuddered.  The floors, windows and doors were extremely cold.    

So what did I do to get us warm?  A variety of things.  The first bit of information I found when doing a search on homesteading was about permaculture of all things.  When spring of 2011 came around I drove straight to Home Depot and bought plants to create a windbreak to create a mircoclimate next to our travel trailer.  The wind is what sucks your heat away and out through the many crevices in the travel trailer that aren't sealed.  Slow down the wind and you slow down the heat loss.  

When creating a windbreak you shouldn't plant a straight hedgerow of plants.  You stagger different sizes of plants.  Evergreen trees, deciduous shrubs and fruiting bushes of varying heights with spaces in between for the wind to go.  A straight tight line of shrubs and trees creates a wall that the wind will only go up and over to blow only harder and colder on the other side sucking heat away faster. I also put in foundation plants.  I like to think of it all as outdoor travel trailer insulation.

We decided on a wood skirt for the travel trailer made from the same wood used to build sheds.  It's working brilliantly at the moment.  I wanted to put down some plastic sheeting in the crawl space under the travel trailer and add some foam board insulation yet that might be a project for another year.  We ran out of budgeted money and time.  

With the foundation plants, windbreak and skirting, now when the wind blows, it is slowed down by the windbreak, slowed down again by the foundation plants and warmed up by the heat of the travel trailer creating a micro-climate of warm air around our travel trailer.  On the inside I used a few tips I received from some folks in Canada.  It's colder there than here so I figured they have to know what they're talking about.

I went out and bought a few clear plastic shower curtain liners, folded them in half, cut to fit the windows with enough going beyond the window frame (and the patio door frame) then taped it to the surrounding wall with that outdoor weather tape you find at the hardware store, like Value Center.  I got the styrofoam insulation panels (12 pack for $8) from Home Depot and I put those inside the cabinets, closets, the storage space in the bedroom closet and under the sinks.  Under the tub, and that small space behind the toilet where the pipe sits in front, I stuffed fiberglass bats and made an inside cover with a square piece of styrofoam insulation.  

I bought a wool blanket from Wal-Mart for $10 and put that under the fitted sheet on our bed.  It's amazing how warm the bed feels after doing that.  The mattress was always cold under the fitted sheet and you'd huddle in one spot until it warmed up and dare not roll over.  Now the entire bed is toasty warm.  I also bought a few microfiber plush blankets from K-Mart that were on sale.  Instead of the flat sheet under the blanket you put it on top of the blanket.  It is like the mattress in the way that the flat sheet is always cold to your skin.  A hot water bottle is a great investment, or you could put hot water into one of those metal/plastic containers you see in the supermarket now to tote your tap water in instead of using bottled water and cover it with a sock so you don't burn yourself.  

I also got a few canisters of indoor/outdoor waterproof caulk.  Might have been overkill, yeah.  It works for me though.  I caulked around our main door, the windows, the seam where the closet meets the floor in the main bedroom and used expanding foam insulation to fill the floor seam of the travel trailer pop outs.  Around the pop out wall and ceiling spaces I put about six of those air conditioner foam strips.   Thermal curtains are on our windows and the main door and we do heat only the space we are in with electric space heaters along with passive solar heating.  We open the thermal curtains in the morning and close them as the sun goes down.  Another Canadian suggested painting a few 2 litre soda bottles black, filling them with water and allowing the sun to heat them during the day as they will emit that heat into the travel trailer at night when you close the curtains.

The forced air furnace broke a month after we got here, when we were still using the gas generator waiting for the local utility to install our utility pole.  We use two small room space heaters so our trailer isn't overloaded.  Actually, I got a heavy duty outdoor power cord that is plugged directly into the pole so that overload never happens.  

Our electric bill for december 2010 was $400.  Our bills in the summer of 2011 was around $58.  Our bill for December 2011 was $195, which is about half of last December's.  Learning to hibernate the desktop (better yet a laptop is cheaper on your electric bill), and put the microwave on a power strip to turn on when needed, along with all the insulation saved a bundle.  I believe about $20 a month from putting the microwave on a power strip alone.

I will be finishing filling out the windbreak next spring through fall 2012.  This time to put in deciduous trees and shrubs to help with the cooling part of our electric bill.  Oh shady tree, oh shady tree, you mean the whole wide world to me.   I'll let you know how our forest garden is coming along when I've got half the tree planting done.

Edit to add:  Today, Jan 3 2012, the temperature outside is 3 degrees F with a -7 windchill.  Our inside temperature is around 70 degrees.  I still have one sink to finish insulate yet I'm happy overall with the temperature.

Observations on Prejudice, Bigotry, Hatred, Violence & Equality

I'm familiar with prejudice.  Prejudice is a result of lack of information and/or experience.  People with prejudices usually do not realise they are prejudiced since it is all that they and the community around them know or have experienced the world around them. 

Like a housed person, someone who is not nor has ever been homeless, living under the assumption that all homeless people dropped out of high school, started drinking, using drugs and living on the streets.  That's prejudice.  More life experience, whether it is volunteering at a shelter and talking directly to the homeless or by becoming homeless at some point in life, is the only way to dispel prejudice against the homeless. 

Bigotry on the other hand is more of a sort of classism.  Being on a higher level or upper echelon of society than others who are not like oneself.  Whether by race, religion, gender, sex, sexual orientation, income, geographics and many other diversionary tactics.  Every prejudiced individual is not a bigot, yet every bigot is prejudiced.  One must believe oneself to be above the other religion, race or other labels and base this on the very few facts and/or experience one has in regards of the other religion, race or other labels. 

For example, a sexual bigot believes they are on a higher level than those who are not of their sexual orientation and bases this on the few facts and/or experiences they have with other sexual orientations and/or sexual minorities.  A straight individual believing they are better than gay, bi or asexuals due to assumptions of promiscuity of gays and bisexuals or sexual dysfunction of asexuals.  A gay individual believing they are better than straights, bisexuals or asexuals due to belief of rampant reproduction of straights and bisexuals or sexual dysfunction of asexuals. 

One can be a gender bigot where one gender is placed above another or where both genders are raised above those who are physically transitioning and affirming their gender.  There are gender bigots, racial bigots, religious bigots, nationality bigots, reproductive bigots, as the lists go on and on.  The use of a stereotype or one bare individualistic fact to raise oneself above others.

Hatred, in some cases, is the seeming change of certain personally held facts about another and the sudden realisation of similarities between individuals causing intense fear.  For example, two uber macho individuals who have the similar likes and dislikes yet different sexual orientations.  One holding personally held facts about gay individuals only to realise there are very few differences.  If there are so few differences, then how do you prove you are different?  How do you set yourself apart?  Some choose distance, some believe everyone is different, some become victims of random violence, others situational violence, while others choose intimate terrorism.

Situational violence is a mutual occurrence.  Cause and effect.  One person says something, another responds, and it escalates to where both become violent.  Random violence though, is just that, random.  One vulnerable stranger randomly selected for violence to prove something to oneself or society.  Intimate terrorism on the other hand is about control.  Control over every aspect of a person's life.  Reparation therapy is a form of intimate terrorism of a child from a parent, an individual from a family, or an individual from a community and/or church.

Intimate terrorism is about isolation and control.  There is no one to talk to.  No one to trust.  No one to share with.  No one to entrust all of yourself with.  No feeling of emotional safety.  No love.  No hope.  Only isolation, pain, distrust and fear.   No psychological escape until you begin to sink into the very depths of utter desolation and despair.  Where it feels as though you have even deserted yourself.  Even thoughts are bullying, derogatory and spiteful.  Where death feels as if it would be better than the non-life one is already living.  Yet, the cage is based on a prejudice.  Self-prejudice.  The constant distraction of benevolent jailers is meant to keep one from finding the cracks in the foundation and digging out from under the despair, fear and self-loathing.

One day, you begin to use the facts you have been given about yourself as questions.  When we begin to answer them in our own words instead of those we have been given do the locks on our prison finally begin to open.  A friend once asked me about prejudice, bigotry and slavery.  I responded with a story regarding my family.  My family won freedom from slavery generations ago, yet we still were the caretakers for generations of our former masters after slavery ended. 

When, as children, we were found in straight-forward equal conversation with one of our former master's generations our elders chastised us and reminded us of our place.  That we should not approach this person with disrespect.  Let me explain something.  In order to be anything, slave, social minority or equal, one must believe that is what you are.  It is all psychological.  As a child, I saw myself as an equal thus I conducted myself as an equal and no matter who told me I was not, that was their belief not mine. 

Physical chains are made of materials that disintegrate with time.  They erode in the wind, rain, sleet and snow with the seasons.  Mental chains can only be placed and removed by the individual who wears them.  As Pinocchio said "There ain't no strings on me."

When I Grow Up: Let's Play Pretend

I rushed out of my car to write this down.  How hilarious is that?  I have been asked the question "What do you want to do with your life?" since I was one year away from graduating high school.  I could never answer as I had all these things I wanted to be when I was little still stuck in my head.  An astronaut, a mechanic, a race car driver, a cowboy, an Apache, a cop and Spiderman.  Those where the images that flitted through my mind in rapid secession in an endless frustrating loop whenever I was asked my plans for life.

I realised on my drive home why I could never answer that simple question.  I never got the chance to fully explore my personality.  Every time I wanted to play the leader, the hero, the decisive, confident and self-assured person I was always told no.  Those roles were not for me as I was the victim, the hostage, the follower, the insecure, fragile and self-doubting person who needed to find a protector.   I felt such a disconnect from society.  Was I normal?  Why can I not stop myself from stepping into the roles they say are not for me?

I withdrew from pretend play as a child and sunk myself deep into my comic books.  The X-Men.  I loved the stories where the people were as different as I was.  Those who showed that I did not have to be a follower and there should be no question of my ability to lead based on gender.  Those comic books were my treasures.  I kept them in pristine condition in the plastic sleeves they came in.   They helped me do what no other adult in my life was willing to do; let me be myself.

I used what I learned from the comic books to take the information the adults provided me with, of what they thought a child of my gender should be, and I projected it.  Everyone thinks that the superhero is the creation of the citizen's imagination when it is the normal, unassuming citizen that is the creation of the superhero's imagination.  When I was myself it drew negative attention to me.  I learned how to pretend to be an empty headed idiot.  To be invisible to those who expect nothing from you.  When the adults watched I was one mirage and with my peers I was another.

My family was convinced I was a borderline imbecile and I did nothing for years to dispel that image or discourage the many lectures regarding what a horrible, disappointing child I was.  It was all part of the image.  My alter-ego.  Sometimes I wanted to shuck it all and say "I've done all this stuff that people respect me for which you know nothing about."  when the sneering laughter got a bit too much, yet I knew it all would be met with disbelief.  Almost as if I claimed to really be Rogue in disguise.  So, I buried the frustration and kept the mirage they wanted in place. 

Today I sat in my car, with the engine idling and realised a few things.  Whenever I was asked the question "What do you plan to do with your life?" there was always a preconceived idea being held up where I was found lacking.  It was never a question meant to be answered and deep down I already knew that on an unconscious level yet the frustration of knowing they kept discarding what I've done in favour of what they want me to become still rose.  Another habit I did not realise I had.

So I sat there today and I smiled.  I smiled and smiled and smiled until I believe my jaw would start to creak from the strain.  Our 4 year old chimed in from the backseat to her older sister "Mommy's happy."  Do you know she's right?  It is not necessary to toss off the cloak of my alter-ego to reveal my true identity.  Then I also realised that I may have read one too many comic books but who cares.  I mean, really?  Who cares? 

The next time I am asked that question, I will smile a smile steeped in secrets because I have finally realised that the question is unimportant.  My answer will be simply "This and that.  This and that." because my answer is unimportant too.  I already am who I am.  I have always been who I am.  I was already living my life despite the obstacles thrown my way.  Without their support.  It all started with that first breath.  I did not need to grow up to be someone else.  I was already who I was born to be.  Me.

Dying for Dignity: Transgender Fight for Recognition

We are among those whom we consider most like us for the majority of our private and social lives. Our family. Our group. Our people, we consider them to be. We know we belong to, and associate with, bigger groups of people we may not understand completely. Personally, culturally or linguistically. We never attempt to speak a foreign language without understanding what those words mean, the correct pronunciations and grammar; we learn first. We never attempt to participate in a culture without understanding the social rules and the correct way of addressing members of this new cultural society; we learn first. When first meeting a new associate we do not hop right into intimate questions regarding their sexual habits; we get to know them and their boundaries first. So why do we do this with complete strangers in our own society, our own culture?

It is almost as if we have cannot forget the taunts at school or the streets where our bullies once believed that in order to be gay, a person wanted to transition to the other side of the gender binary. Where we were asked, if we are boys, "Where's your barbie?" or "Where's your Easy Bake Oven?" Or, if we are girls "Where's your dick? We fought back because for a moment there we did ask ourselves that question. Do I unconsciously wish to be the opposite gender because I am attracted to what the opposite gender is attracted to? We would say, no.

We fought back by being the best physical example of the gender binary as we could get. You could look up male or female and find our picture as the definition. We would beat the crap out of anyone who dared say we were pretending to be anything we are not. We held onto that like a shield. To us that is what our sexual orientation meant. It is what society said sexual orientation meant. We adopted this belief because it kinda made sense. We are one gender that falls in love with that same gender. We love everything about that gender. If that gender "changed" then our sexual orientation "changes" and that is not possible since we have been fighting against the idea that our sexual orientation can "change" for years.

Why are we so afraid of embracing the transgender community? Is our certainty of our personal truth so shaky that the truth of another makes us question ourselves? Have we really recovered from being bullied with some false idea that in order to be gay one must want to be the opposite gender? Before anyone knew we were gay or straight we were just our name or familial relationship. Our visual gender, and no one questioned it. We were so and so's son or daughter. The boy or girl down the street. It is the reason why so many of us question our sexual orientation. Are we really that insecure? The transgender community is not "proving them right", they are helping to prove that our detractors are wrong.

Take the case in Texas where an intersex woman transitioned from the male body she was assigned and has now married a woman, yet gay marriage is not legal in Texas. The gay marriage bans are all based on gender. Only those of opposite GENDER can marry; not sexual orientation. The law was based on the idea that "legal" gender does not change no matter what surgical procedures are done to alter the physical body. When, ironically, it is true gender that does not change, not visual gender. This is what the opponents of gay marriage believe they have done in banning gay marriage. Banning the same gender from marrying each other yet basing the law solely on visual sex/genitalia. Now they are realising the error with this case.

They based the law on visual gender alone, thinking that is what governed sexual orientation. Yet, here is a couple that is by all means gay to societal eyes but the government must allow the marriage because in the governmental perception of gender, it cannot change therefore sexual orientation does not. Society says, if you are male and attracted to men you are gay. If you are male and attracted to females, you are straight. Born one visual gender; always that gender. The perception of gender through visual attributes or genitalia.

If the government now tries to change the law to say that gender cannot be distinguished visually in order to disallow these transgender couples, on what level can they prove whom is male and whom is female? We all know the different types of intersex conditions, (http://www.isna.org/faq/what_is_intersex), and many intersex conditions are not visual. Will everyone have to prove their hormonal, chromosomal, internal reproductive organ, genital etc. gender in order to marry? Or will the government simply do what is right and not interfere as long as it is two consenting adults? Hetero-sexism and homophobia, internal and external, is based on perception of gender. The perception of a gender binary in particular. If those who made these arguments against gay rights finally realise that no one can determine gender except the individual, their arguments are baseless.

We are afraid of the transgender community because we see gender as the reason behind our sexual orientation. We believe that men are men and women are women and never the two should be "changed" or "altered". We are gay, or straight, and we believe it is those visual attributes of gender that drives our orientation. If we loved someone who we then came to believe "altered" or "changed" from that physical representation of gender we begin to question our sexual orientation. We start doubting our sexual orientation because we base it on love of visual gender than person.

We distrust those who are bi-sexual since, from society's perspective, their sexual orientation changes. When they are with the same visual gender they are gay yet when they are with the opposite visual gender they are straight. We do not trust our relationships with our bi-sexual partners because in the back of our mind we are saying "How do we know they will STAY straight or gay?" Refusing to acknowledge that they are not fixated on visual gender but us. We refuse to see that they love us, the person, the one who listens, who likes whatever genre of music we love, who's always there for support; us.

We believe that is not possible because to us visual gender is the focus of sexual orientation. We simply cannot let go of our grip on visual gender. One or the other. It is the reason for bi and trans-phobia. The trans-panic defense can also be tied to the gay community not just the straight. Trans-panic means "I'm not straight!" as much as it means "I'm not gay!" and "I'm not Bi!"

I'll go as far as to say this. If an effeminate gay man stood still and did not talk the gay men who say they do not like effeminate men would want to date him. It's not the physical man they are not attracted to, it is the "feminine" personality. The blurring of that gender perception line. The perception that a breathy tone, self-conscious giggles, emotional displays and a sensual walk is inherent to the visually feminine gender only. It makes them question "Am I really gay if I like this guy?" To many, that "feminine" personality should not exist in a "masculine" body. When will they realise it is the person they are attracted to? We can lust after a body all we want but we know that no matter how hot the body if the personality, the person, isn't what we are looking for the body loses it's attraction.

Visual gender and sexual orientation are simply societal perceptions of human relationships. We are always the gender society sees unless we tell society who we truly are. Our sexual orientation is always what society sees, by way of our perceived relationships, unless we tell society who we truly are. Only we know who we are, who we are attracted to, and whom we love. Only we can define our relationships.

That is why we have such a hard time understanding the transgender community since we base everything on our perceptions instead of letting people introduce themselves. If the couple that is involved in the ongoing legal determination of marriage in Texas were still visually man and woman, we would say they were heterosexual, now that they are trans-woman and woman we perceive them to be lesbian. I'm sure they only see themselves as partners and lovers. The rest can go hang.