The Tiny Voice of Reason

Observations on Prejudice, Bigotry, Hatred, Violence & Equality

I'm familiar with prejudice.  Prejudice is a result of lack of information and/or experience.  People with prejudices usually do not realise they are prejudiced since it is all that they and the community around them know or have experienced the world around them. 

Like a housed person, someone who is not nor has ever been homeless, living under the assumption that all homeless people dropped out of high school, started drinking, using drugs and living on the streets.  That's prejudice.  More life experience, whether it is volunteering at a shelter and talking directly to the homeless or by becoming homeless at some point in life, is the only way to dispel prejudice against the homeless. 

Bigotry on the other hand is more of a sort of classism.  Being on a higher level or upper echelon of society than others who are not like oneself.  Whether by race, religion, gender, sex, sexual orientation, income, geographics and many other diversionary tactics.  Every prejudiced individual is not a bigot, yet every bigot is prejudiced.  One must believe oneself to be above the other religion, race or other labels and base this on the very few facts and/or experience one has in regards of the other religion, race or other labels. 

For example, a sexual bigot believes they are on a higher level than those who are not of their sexual orientation and bases this on the few facts and/or experiences they have with other sexual orientations and/or sexual minorities.  A straight individual believing they are better than gay, bi or asexuals due to assumptions of promiscuity of gays and bisexuals or sexual dysfunction of asexuals.  A gay individual believing they are better than straights, bisexuals or asexuals due to belief of rampant reproduction of straights and bisexuals or sexual dysfunction of asexuals. 

One can be a gender bigot where one gender is placed above another or where both genders are raised above those who are physically transitioning and affirming their gender.  There are gender bigots, racial bigots, religious bigots, nationality bigots, reproductive bigots, as the lists go on and on.  The use of a stereotype or one bare individualistic fact to raise oneself above others.

Hatred, in some cases, is the seeming change of certain personally held facts about another and the sudden realisation of similarities between individuals causing intense fear.  For example, two uber macho individuals who have the similar likes and dislikes yet different sexual orientations.  One holding personally held facts about gay individuals only to realise there are very few differences.  If there are so few differences, then how do you prove you are different?  How do you set yourself apart?  Some choose distance, some believe everyone is different, some become victims of random violence, others situational violence, while others choose intimate terrorism.

Situational violence is a mutual occurrence.  Cause and effect.  One person says something, another responds, and it escalates to where both become violent.  Random violence though, is just that, random.  One vulnerable stranger randomly selected for violence to prove something to oneself or society.  Intimate terrorism on the other hand is about control.  Control over every aspect of a person's life.  Reparation therapy is a form of intimate terrorism of a child from a parent, an individual from a family, or an individual from a community and/or church.

Intimate terrorism is about isolation and control.  There is no one to talk to.  No one to trust.  No one to share with.  No one to entrust all of yourself with.  No feeling of emotional safety.  No love.  No hope.  Only isolation, pain, distrust and fear.   No psychological escape until you begin to sink into the very depths of utter desolation and despair.  Where it feels as though you have even deserted yourself.  Even thoughts are bullying, derogatory and spiteful.  Where death feels as if it would be better than the non-life one is already living.  Yet, the cage is based on a prejudice.  Self-prejudice.  The constant distraction of benevolent jailers is meant to keep one from finding the cracks in the foundation and digging out from under the despair, fear and self-loathing.

One day, you begin to use the facts you have been given about yourself as questions.  When we begin to answer them in our own words instead of those we have been given do the locks on our prison finally begin to open.  A friend once asked me about prejudice, bigotry and slavery.  I responded with a story regarding my family.  My family won freedom from slavery generations ago, yet we still were the caretakers for generations of our former masters after slavery ended. 

When, as children, we were found in straight-forward equal conversation with one of our former master's generations our elders chastised us and reminded us of our place.  That we should not approach this person with disrespect.  Let me explain something.  In order to be anything, slave, social minority or equal, one must believe that is what you are.  It is all psychological.  As a child, I saw myself as an equal thus I conducted myself as an equal and no matter who told me I was not, that was their belief not mine. 

Physical chains are made of materials that disintegrate with time.  They erode in the wind, rain, sleet and snow with the seasons.  Mental chains can only be placed and removed by the individual who wears them.  As Pinocchio said "There ain't no strings on me."

A Survivour's Point of View: It's Not About Sex; It's About Trust & Intimacy!

If it's one thing I cannot stand, it is total unabused strangers trying to psychoanalyse me.  Trying to explain to me how I feel and what I know about myself.  That due to the past abuse I am now sexually stunted and must be spoken to about sex in small words and slower speech.  As if I have lost all my intelligence.  Well I have news for you, you condescending son of a bitch.

It's not about sex.  It was never about the sex.  It will never be about the sex.  It's about trust and intimacy.  My trust was betrayed by someone I let close.  Someone I had an emotionally intimate relationship with.  The closest you can get to a person without having sex or thinking about sex.  A friendship.  A best friend.  A best friend who then betrayed my trust.

My thoughts were not about.  "Will I ever have sex again?"  they are  "I don't want anyone to get that close to me ever again."  Lots of people have sex with just a cursory amount of intimacy.  They don't need much just a "Yes. Your place or mine." and never see each other again.  So sex is easy; intimacy on the other hand is hard.  You have to trust in order to be intimate and I trusted no one.

I did not trust my family.  I did not trust former friends.  I did not trust the strangers on the street.  No one could be trusted.  No one could get that close again to hurt, humiliate and torture me.  No one.  It was never happening again.  I have kept distances between myself and others.  Making many acquaintances, fewer friends and no intimate friends.  I began to equate trusting with giving up control. 

I had experienced being under someone's control for most of my early life and I wanted complete freedom.  Friendship on my terms.  I was so utterly lonely.  I ached to have that kind of friendship again.  Someone to share with, talk to, hang out with, laugh with and be free with.  Safe.  I would come close and then could not do it.  I was too afraid to do it. 

I created relationships where I exchanged sex for the intimacy I craved.  My two ex-boyfriends before my abusive ex-partner.   It wasn't true intimacy because we never shared personal information, just how the day went, or a movie we'd seen.  One of them, ironically, was a psychiatrist who cryptically said I have no psychosis I simply need to be married.  Which I got quite upset about because marriage is the ultimate intimacy and I am never ever going there.

That was a big step for me.  Attempting to date.  It took a long time for me to trust enough to accept I would not be hurt through physical intimacy.  I missed hugs.  I did not despise being touched.  I craved it.  I missed it.  I needed it.  I could not trust enough to accept it.  The only thing that changed for me was my trust of people.  I was so conditioned to expect a certain response from my expectation of being loved, such as ridicule, taunts, and physical abuse that even though I knew.  I knew, this new person was not my abuser, my reaction was automatic.

If they reached out to hug me I would back away to protect my vulnerability.  I would run all the possible taunts they could say to me in my head even though all they did was stand there with that hurt expression.  I wanted to reach out.  I could not.  I would not.  I would run what I wanted to say, the apologies in my head and my speech would be paralysed.  They would see the pained look on my face and misinterpret it. 

I would be yelling in my head "Say something.  Say something.  Say something you idiot!" and all I could do was moan incoherently as if unable to speak.  Total loss of my vocal chords.  I am not afraid of intimacy.  I am afraid that it is not real.  That it's just another diversion in a nightmare I tote around with me everywhere I go.  It took a lot of time alone thinking, disassembling my life and looking at the individual parts so I could understand what I had evolved into.

How limited the thinking of everyone is to think that survivours have a mere distaste for sex where a little sex therapy and some sexual positions should cure it all up.  If only it were that simple.  Physical instead of psychological.  There's not much physical distaste in believing that touching someone leaves you vulnerable and with them having some kind of control over you.  Emotional vulnerability.

What does sex have to do with that?  Sex is sex until intimacy is involved and then it's is open ended where you share the experience.  There would be none of the fantastic sex everyone keeps talking about without full intimacy.  Sexual trauma does not change who you fundamentally are.  Trauma of any kind only changes your trust.  Trust of horses, cars, planes, snakes, dogs, motorcycles etc. 

It never changes anyone's sexual orientation just our trust in people.  Our ability to form platonic and physically intimate emotional relationships.  That's all that happens.  Sex has little to do with it unless there was physical trauma, scarring and/or lingering physical debilitation.  That is the only time where, after most of the emotional healing has occurred, you still have the physical trauma and it's emotional impact to deal with.  Pain or fear of physical rejection. 

I never had any physical trauma to deal with so it was not hard to be sex positive.  It was hard to be people positive.  To trust people again.

A Survivour's Viewpoint: Similarities of Pedophilia to Intimate Terrorism (Domestic Abuse)

Many in society associate pedophilia with sex when sex is simply a small percentage and only another aspect of the total emotional, psychological and physical control the pedophile has over the victim.  A true pedophile in every aspect of the word goes after children who have yet to enter puberty, not really for "sexual purity" reasons but mainly for innocence and the explicit trust children give to all adults.  Mainly familial adults.

When I met my abuser, I was all of nine years old.  He was older and trusted to look after the younger children while our parents went out and did whatever.  I was so accustomed to being either invisible or wanting to be invisible in certain circumstances, that it was a shock to have all this person's attention suddenly on me.  I suddenly had a champion and protector.  Someone who actually stood up for me and had the family ask questions instead of instantly condemning me for whatever they believed I did this time.  No one had ever done that for me before.  Seen me before.  It felt good to have a friend.

Only another person who's gone through life silent without a soul to talk to can understand what it was like to finally feel friendship.  I talked about everything and all they would do is sit there and listen.  I never realised I was handing over everything they needed to manipulate me.  Every insecurity, vulnerability and doubt I had they now knew.  There is nothing wrong with sharing your hopes, dreams and doubts with a friend.  There is something wrong with a person asking with every intent of using them against you.

It becomes almost a big case of hero worship.  I left to return two years later and I remembered the friend I believed I had.  I followed him around, copied his wrestling moves, batter's stance and really looked up to this person.  If he asked me to run barefoot in snow for an hour I probably might have done it.  He also took me everywhere.  Laundry, babysitting, and visits with his side of the family.  I was included in everything.  He had my complete and undivided attention.

It was when one of the kids in my grade asked me out on a chaperoned date, his mum would drive us to the theater and sit with us, that things changed.  I had never been on a date before, there would be another adult present and I did not see any reason not to.  Suddenly my friend was arguing with my uncle all the reasons why I should not go.  The boy could be a rapist, even though we both were only 11.  It was just a movie.  A chaperoned movie at that.  We kids could not get into the theater without an adult.  Under all the pressure from my friend, my uncle said no.

I stopped speaking to my friend and refused to continue the routine of going with him anywhere.  Suddenly he began taking the middle school bus with me instead of the one for the high school.  Another boy asked me out and suddenly started avoiding me the next day.  I heard rumours that the boy was warned off by my friend.  Now no one in middle school wanted to get too close to me since the word came down that the high school's star jock made certain to let everyone know that anyone with an interest was going to get seriously hurt. I was invisible all over again and the only person I now seemed to have, was him.

I was being protected he said.  I could not trust those boys because they were after only one thing.  I was still not speaking to him and avoiding him.   My uncle drove a truck and his mother worked as an overnight clerk at a gas station.  My older cousin was about to get married and head into the US Army and my younger cousin was only 7.  I did not think anything was off the night the older folks left as usual and he suddenly set up a sleep over for my younger cousin, his little brother.

It was the way I caught him looking at me when I was washing the dishes that made me wary.  I accepted the offer to play Super Mario Bros and learn a keypad combo that let you skip a few levels.  When he casually offered to teach me how to kiss, so I would know how to do it right, set off alarms.  When he would not let me go I hit him and ran.  It was like a scene out of a horror movie, I remember thinking as I conveniently tripped on the steps when he grabbed my foot and yanked.  I wondered, a bit hysterically, if I should expect zombies to pop up as I kicked him in the face and half crawled up the last of the steps to run for my room.

I decided that I had watched one too many horror movies when he rammed his shoulder into my bedroom door and thought I had won after he walked away.  I found myself frantically looking for an alternate route out of the house when I heard him return with my uncles house keys.  As I struggled with the window I remember thinking how appropriate the thing was being so obstinate.   I was halfway out the window by the time he realised he wasn't going to catch me in time and headed outside. 

I popped back inside when I realised I was still on the high side of the split level.  I wouldn't recover my breath in time to outdistance him.  I was right because he appeared outside under the window a minute later only to make a run back for the house.  I was struggling to pull my heavy bed frame to barricade the door when he hit it with a tackle sending me flying. 

I'm barely four foot eleven at this point and he's close to six foot and over 200lbs.  By the time the night was over so was the friendship.  What control he had by being friendly he regained by dropping the pretense and mask of friend in favour of simply telling me how it was going to be. Sex was used to drive home how much control he now had over me.  It was not for sexual pleasure as he more reveled in the fact that he could make me do anything he wanted now.

Everything that happened when I was 11 repeated itself when I turned 21.  I met a guy I believed to be my best friend.  I trusted him and he betrayed that trust.  My ex-partner used what I had told him about my life to gain control over me.   Friendship, use of my insecurities, reproductive control, isolation and sex as a control tool.  When it happens to a child we call these people pedophiles and sexual predators.  When it happens to an adult, we call them batterers.

There are two types of domestic violence.  Situational violence where an argument arises and during high emotion one partner strikes the other and the other strikes back.  That is situational violence where both are equally involved and responsible.  With intimate terrorism, one partner sets out with the intent to have total control over the other partner. 

When I met my ex-partner, my bank account was my own, my credit was my own, I had no debt, I had one child with no intention of having another so I was on birth control, I still had separate friends and my family spoke to me.  After a year, he had control of my accounts, my credit cards, my birth control was tampered with, caller intercept that he controlled was installed on the phone where friends and family had to be approved to call me and I had no contact with anyone who was not his friend or family.

My ex-partner became my constant companion.  Shopping, banking, and even the bathroom.  I locked the door to the bathroom once and he broke it down.  When we went shopping he called over a sales person, told them my size and what he wanted.  If a stranger talked to me he would pick a fight and then blame me for the beating inflicted on the other person.  Trying to get away would only get that person hurt and I did not want that on my conscience he said.

Sex was a tool used only to maintain control.  It was a bargaining tool.  He knew what I wanted and he would bargain with sex and that offer as incentive.  It was to humiliate me, you understand?  If someone physically forces you to do something you can take yourself to another place and you don't feel that responsibility and shame.  When it is seemingly made your decision, or so you assume, to take those humiliating steps and offer yourself the self-disgust and shame is what burns at you.

This is what my first abuser did.  Not once did he take any clothing off of me after that first time.  I was made to do it.  Shamed and humiliated into doing it myself.  Offering myself to someone I despised.  Psychologically manipulated into believing that since I removed my clothing and I offered myself that they had no culpability.  I was the one in the wrong. The bad one, the manipulator, and the one asking for it.  Which I was forced to do.  Ask for it.

My now ex-partner reveled in the same mind games.  These are the same psychological games and mental warfare a pedophile uses on minors.  Humiliation, guilt, shame, and anger all internalised and directed at yourself for not thinking of a way to escape.  Emotional and psychological manipulation.  It's all an entertaining game to them. A high.  While you literally begin to hate yourself.

I thought this could never happen to me again, yet, here there I was with another abuser.  He would only get excessively irrational and controlling whenever he felt his control was slipping.  Like when I went shopping without him.  He would call and let me know he had someone tailing me.  Tell me the stores I had visited just to maintain control over my actions. 

After I decided to leave I was asked to do him a favour and drive over to an address to pick up a friend of his since someone could not make it.  While on the highway, the car suddenly started smoking, over heated and I almost got hit by a semi-truck.  I had personally taken the car to the garage not two days before and it was fine.  When I finally got to a safe spot to park and pop the hood one of the hoses had been cut. 

Then my tires were slashed and one day I changed my mind about driving, gave my car to my step-father and the serpentine belt falls off the engine on the highway.  Suddenly my then partner was telling me that my own mum was trying to kill me and something bad would happen to me if I left.  He was sure of it.  I could just live on the second floor of the house.  He wouldn't bother me.  No need to leave and go anywhere.  We could still live together and not be a couple.  It was for my safety that I stay with him.

It was all eerily similar to my first abuser when I was eleven and then twelve to thirteen.  Complete control and the maintenance of that control was what they had in common.  It's why I get upset when I hear people who have never been abused focus on sex.  Who want to know in explicit detail "what did they do to you exactly?" as if you'll start detailing sexual acts with gusto. 

Those who describe survivours as "that one who was sexually abused" or 'that kid who got fu*ked" like sex was all there was to it, all their abuser wanted and they somehow enticed the abuser.  People have to be sexually appealing for someone to show an interest, correct?  Well, let me clarify for those who don't understand.  They don't want sex.  They want you.  They want to consume you, control you and own you.  That is the center of their world.  Their peace.  To have some control over something, anything in their life.

If you want to understand some of what it was like, talk to someone who has survived being kidnapped and tortured or survived intimate terrorism.  Then you'll have a small inkling as to why we call ourselves survivours and not victims.  We didn't just simply lie back and take it.  That's not what they enjoy.  To sink a hook into your most vulnerable places and watch you writhe in agony at the end of it while torturing you psychologically and physically brings the most pleasure.  They do not get what they want if you are willing.  Sex is not where it begins; sex is where it ends.

Sex is the last ditch effort at control.  They've already had several years of your utter adoration and willingness to do anything for a smile, praise and/or affection.  Eventually, you reach an age, a level of mental maturity and financial independence where even sex cannot be used to overpower you. 

It was finally talking about it and listening in amazement to the questions I was being asked that I realised most people don't have a clue. They think the abuser is an outwardly visible raving lunatic, who physically attacks you. They think of it as more of an outward physical ordeal where you've got a boo boo that healed and you should just forget about it. Or as one person said to me "You don't have no scars so why you keep talking 'bout it?"

They only see it as physical. Then when you start describing what happens they have the same faulty logic as your abuser and believe you did "entice" this person by forcible "consent". The first thing I correct is the status of "victim". I am not a victim; I am a survivour. A victim would have killed themselves by now. I see it as surviving various forms of torture meant to mentally break you and destroy you so they can "consume" some part of you, until you cease to exist mentally and/or physically, then move on.

There are lots of times I felt close to breaking and I don't know if what I went through previously with my family gave me the strength to keep mentally saying "Fu*k you. Fu*k you. I will never give myself to you. You can have my body but you will never get my mind." Even though they did capture parts of my mind they never got to the core of me. If that makes any sense. So, yes, I decided it was time to talk.

It's almost as if they are the weak people and they think that by sucking away at your inner strength they can claim it for their own. That you're like some kind of coconut to be cracked open and your inner strength scooped out like so much pulp while your broken mindless body gets discarded.  Emotional vampires I call them.

Sometimes A Lawyer Is More Effective than Cops

We say to lots of people who suffer routine abuse at the hands of another to "Call 911."  This only works if a crime is in progress.  Sometimes after the cops have shown up, and it is your word against your abuser, the cops will tell you "There is nothing we can do.  Call a lawyer.  This is Civil not Criminal."   I know this first hand as a survivour of domestic violence.

So what is the difference?  A criminal matter is when the government files a lawsuit against a private citizen and/or corporation.  In a civil matter an individual files.  The government, will only file charges if they can prove a crime has been committed.  Visible wounds to the victim, the victim's statement, witnesses to the assault.  There will then be a trial where the government prosecutes the defense and the defense is either made to pay a fine directly to the government or be incarcerated by the government.

If it is a verbal dispute between two people, hearsay, they will take a statement from both parties as substantive evidence in any future pending litigation.  The party wishing to file civil charges will retain a lawyer and present evidence in support of their civil case.  The case will be heard by a judge who will decide if damages should be ordered.  This is a simplified explanation of the differences between criminal and civil law, yet, it should bring understanding as to why in many cases the police can do nothing to help you.

In civil cases there are steps you should take in order to build a strong case against the defendant.

1.  Keep a Journal:  Write down the date, time, name of the assailants, clothing they were wearing, where it took place, names of any witnesses, what was said and what physically took place.

2.  Take pictures:  If you sustained any injury at the time of the incident.  Wait until you are safe and take pictures of your injuries.  Make copies and keep the originals in a safe place.

3.  Make a complaint:  If you are a grade school student, talk to your Guidance Counselour, Principal or Asst. Principal.  Bring copies, never the originals, of your evidence.  Like any other person of authority they like to know all "i"s are dotted and "t"'s are crossed.  Make sure you take notes during your meeting of whom you spoke to and the correct spelling of their names along with the date of your meeting, the time it began and the time it ended.

4.  Follow Up:  After you have filed your complaint with the school authorities, follow up with a written letter thanking them by name for their time, mention the meeting, what you spoke about, the evidence you presented, any promises that they made to you and the time frame they gave you for these promises.  Mail it certified mail and keep the Certified Mail tracking stub originals with your other originals.

5.  Go to a higher authority:  If nothing happens within the time frame, send another follow up letter AND a letter to their supervisors.  Mention in the 2nd follow up letter that their supervisors, Mr/Ms X, has been notified of the situation.   Mention in the letter to their supervisors your previous meeting with x, y and z.  Give a brief out line of the incidences, the meeting, what was said, and what was promised.  Send this letter Certified Mail.

6.  Call your lawyer:  Give them copies of your evidence, the letters, any telephone/cell phone records proving contact with the school and the Certified Mail stubs.  They will know how to press charges and the detailed evidence you have collected will help in litigation.  In Civil law you have to be your own investigator unless your lawyer suggests different.  Your lawyer will also let you know what is and is not submissible in court.

Minority Discrimination: An Abuse of Priviledge

Discrimination of minorities has always been an abuse of privilege with the secondary characteristics of race, sex, ethnicity, sexuality, intelligence, and social status as mere excuses for degrading and dehumanizing behaviour. During the civil rights movement of the 1950s to 60s, there was one common theme that was seen during the peaceful protests. I AM HUMAN and I AM A MAN. It was the reason why, when Dr. King called, everyone came.

The treatment of minorities as sub-human can be seen in regards to laws targeting minorities of all walks of life. From the poor, the mentally ill, the disabled, the uneducated, people of colour, sexual minorities and women. Dr. King's I AM HUMAN campaign jolted the nation and everyone, not just those of colour, heard the call for equality. If we watch the Civil Rights marches closely we can see them all. Marching. Protesting. Standing up with everyone who has ever been denied the right of dignity and freedom. All those who have been tortured, lynched, beaten, raped simply due to, not just the colour of their skin but their nationality, sex, gender, sexuality or societal class they were born to.

a. Lynching of Minorities : http://amath.colorado.edu/carnegie/lit/lynch/home.htm
b. Anti-Immigration View of Minorities: http://www.america.gov/st/peopleplace-english/2008/February/20080307112004ebyessedo0.1716272.html
c. Minority Privilege over other Minorities: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/secret/famous/johnson.html
d. Violence Against Gays & Lesbians: http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbName=DocumentViewer&DocumentID=32353
e. Gender, Minorities and Indigenous Peoples: http://www.minorityrights.org/download.php?id=115
f. Gays & The Holocaust: http://frank.mtsu.edu/~baustin/homobg.html
g. Child Labour in U.S. History: http://www.continuetolearn.uiowa.edu/laborctr/child_labor/about/us_history.html
h. Eugenics: "The State Boys Rebellion": http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/04/29/60minutes/main614728.shtml
i. Compulsory Sterilization of the Socially Disadvantaged: http://www.uvm.edu/~lkaelber/eugenics/

It was the successful strategy of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, to show the civility of social minorities in the face of accusations of violence such as potential for rape, murder, robbery and promiscuity. I have no idea if the civility of ALL social minorities was indeed the original intended strategy but it was the outcome. Everyone recognised a part of themselves in Dr. King's speeches. In order to combat those false concepts of minorities, they would have to show that they were the shining examples of their respective genders. No one gave a thought to Bayard Rustin's sexual orientation during the time he spent at the forefront of the Civil Rights movement along with Dr. King, all they saw was a man. All they saw was just another man, and that was good, right and as it should be. (Bayard Rustin: Quaker Civil Rights Leader: http://www2.gol.com/users/quakers/bayard_rustin.htm)

Today, we have no Dr. King to lead us and keep us focused on the fact that we are all human. We are all fighting for the same goal. Equality. We cannot start out fighting for equality and then fight each other for the privilege of it. That is how we BECAME the minority. The many Amendments to the Bill of Rights shows the truth of it. We fought all fought for religious freedom yet some of us became the religious majority, we all fought for the right to vote; yet one sex became the voting majority and we all fought for civil rights; yet today some of us are still fighting for ours. When do we support everyone's right to dignity and freedom?

Those who were in mind to abuse their privilege contemplated adding another Amendment to the Bill of Rights to permanently claim the right and dignity of monogamous civil marriage for themselves. If it were not for those of conscience who remembered those who came before them and their fight for the dignity of everyone; we would not be fighting here today. It would be a much harder road to repeal a constitutional amendment.

It is time to check our priorities. Are we fighting for equality for the chance to grab and hold a bit of this exclusive privilege for ourselves and shout "MINE!" at whomever get's close enough for us to feel threatened? Or are we fighting for equality so we can look out at all the families and individuals who are hurting, suffering in despair and know we are helping, to finally, finally, make this right? Equality has to be for ALL or else it simply becomes another temporary privilege.

Religion & Politics: A Question

I have to get this straight. The Vatican is a sovereign nation. The US is a sovereign nation. Why then is a sovereign nation influencing the US government to change US laws to theirs? Abortion, gay marriage, etc.? Isn't this why there's a separation of Church & State? Being from a British commonwealth I do know that the Monarch is the Head of the Church. No law was made, back then, without the Church's consent.

By head of church, I mean the Church of England (Anglican Church) formed by Henry VIII after breaking from Rome & Papal rule. Even today Bishops sit in English parliament; the House of Lords.

I thought, with the American Revolution and all, the US was trying to get away from the very church laws that persecuted it's inhabitants. I thought that was why it was written in the very 1st Amendment that every citizen had the right to practise his/her own personal religion and that no one religion would be enacted to rule the country. I thought that was why there are no religious laws in the US constitution and bill of rights.

A different kind of government & legislature from that in Britain. You'll have to excuse me if I'm confused.

Back to the Facts: Church Sex Abuse Scandal

The sexual abuse scandal within the Catholic Church is veering drastically off topic into a disgusting blame game. It does not matter who was abused more, who did or did not commit the abuses or whether the Pope touched anyone. The facts of the matter are; the abuse happened, the abuse is a criminal matter not a civil matter and who authorized civil settlements instead of reporting criminal activity.

In many countries in the world, rape, sexual assault, sexual abuse, sexual harassment, child abuse, and pedophilia are criminal matters that are dealt with between the state/country/locality and the offender with a resulting criminal trial and sentence. A civil matter is what happens when the statute of limitations runs out where the offender can be sued for pain and suffering, wrongful death etc, or the family wishes to bring their own charges against the offender in addition to the criminal charges and sentence.

We have all watched television and we all understand the ramifications of actions, such as aiding and abetting, accessory after the fact and a slew of legal terminology of criminal nature. This is what is outraging the public of several nations. The public meaning everyone regardless of race, sexual orientation, gender and marital status. Everyone. The crime was committed, the victim spoke up, the parents/victim(s) took action and brought the matter to the church. Instead of reporting the crime to the authorities the offender was aided in his escape from prosecution by reassignment so as not to permit bad publicity and/or uproar amongst the church's members.

That several hundred thousand survivours were abused by the Catholic Church has already been established and is not being questioned. We also refuse to continue such victimisation by allowing the Catholic Church hierarchy to determine which abuses should be considered traumatising or trivial. There is nothing trivial in regards to abuse. This is not a question of faith. This is a question of ethics, goodwill, compassion and empathy. Unfortunately, these were applied to the offender and not the survivor.

Don't Tell Me To Let It Go

I've heard it most of my life. "Let It Go" Let go the abuse, let go the rape, let go a death, a relationship; just "let it go". Well don't. Just don't. Don't you dare tell me to let it go. When you say that, I know, I absolutely know without a doubt, that you do not wish to listen. That you want me to shut up and go away. There is no letting go. There is no way to undo it. To unlive it. There is no way to forget it. It happened. It is one of my memories. It is part of my life. It is part of me. I cannot let it go.

What I can do, is remember it all. Not the event you wish for me to "let go". The act, or event, is not all there is or all that was. I refuse to live in shame. I refuse to live in guilt. I refuse to live in fear. That is what "let it go" means to me. That one single event, or series of events, in my life is all you will let me be.

Here is something I want you to know. I am not an act. I am not an event. I am not a thing of shame. I refuse to act like one. The abuse was not all there was. There was happiness, there was joy, there was fun. I did not die. Life continued. Life continued with joy, with happiness, with fun. When I start to talk about what REALLY happened, don't cut me off. I will remember MY life. I will never forget my life. I will grieve the best way I know how for things that could have been. So don't you dare tell me to "let it go". Ask me to remember. Ask me to remember, EVERYTHING.

The Truth About Domestic Violence

I learned something about the domestic violence cycle by watching our kids. At the age of 3, our sons were treating girls as lesser than boys. Our 3 year old son attempted to have his older sister wait on him hand and foot.

What I learned is that his father was not the only one teaching him this attitude. I shared responsibility by giving up my right to be respected as a human being. My son lost his respect for anyone female when I gave in to the excuse that I was "protecting the children" when in reality it had nothing to do with protecting them; I was simply afraid to leave and they knew it. My abuser knew it.

When it came to the domestic violence, I was not afraid to leave due to any threat to my well being. I was afraid of the unknown. I was afraid of being a parent. How could I take care of 4 kids on my own? By staying we pick the situation of having someone else there, no matter how violent, because the fear of failing is stronger.

With domestic violence, where kids are involved, our biggest fear is failing as a parent. That is the fear our abuser exploits with every violent verbal, emotional and physical episode. Failing as a parent is our biggest fear. We just are not aware, yet, that our fear has already been realised by staying.

I hope this answers the question of why a woman stays when it seems so easy to leave a domestic violence situation. Pack clothes, open door, and leave. It's the fear of what is outside that door that keeps us from stepping over the threshold. Better the enemy you know and all that rot.

With domestic violence situations the shame of not being able to leave, not because of our abusers but that we are too afraid of freedom, makes us feel as though we do deserve the punishment. Punishment for every time our child cries and every time they hide scared. We don't step in front of that fist to protect, most of the time. Most of the time we believe it's our punishment.

You can't believe how I felt when I realised that fact. My biggest fear already happened? I cried for a month and felt as if the weight of the world was lifted off me. The realisation is what was so totally freeing. More so than the many times I packed, herded the children in the car and tried to leave. I still had that anticipation that I had failure in my immediate future. That's why the realisation was freeing. Fear is the most limiting of emotions right after hatred.

Pro-Life / Pro-Choice: Back to Reality Folks

Lots of folks are down in the trenches fighting the "good" fight.  Some siding with mum, some siding with dad and some siding with the unborn baby.  I've heard arguments up the yingyang about why abortion should be legal and why it should be illegal.  Yet very few ever get to the point and the point has nothing at all to do with the mum, the dad or the unborn.  The point happens way before all this hoopla starts.  It's all comes down to sex and sexual education.  That's it in a nutshell folks.  I know folks will still find something to argue about but at least the focus would shift to the real issue instead of fighting over what happens after.

I think we'd all agree that the majority of us fall somewhere in the middle of this fight over, well, concepts?  Fighting over "Is the baby a person or not" or "an individual's body" doesn't solve the problem.  It starts with prevention in order to preserve life.  All those involved.

You can't have a baby without sex.  Consensual or non consensual, sex has to occur before an egg is fertilised.  So no people, the egg is not a person.  Most pro-life religious groups advocate not only banning abortion but sex entirely.  Excuse me while I have a good laugh.  So, I have to get this straight in my head now.  A woman, or 9 year old post-pubescent girl, gets raped and we say "Shame on you! You had sex!  Accept the consequences of that action. We don't care if birth control would have prevented the baby, that's abortion too in God's eyes"

Now how exactly was that deduced?  I haven't the foggiest.  Birth control is taken in order to prevent fertilisation which creates the fetus everyone is currently fighting over.  No fertilisation = no fetus and therefore, no abortion.

I keep seeing people spout statistics about how very few abortions are done due to birth abnormalities, incest, rape or the mother's health.  That's true.  What everyone fails to point out is the reason for 95% of abortions.  I've got two words for ya.  Birth.  Control.

Most of the women who get abortions aren't teens, they are over the age of 25.  The majority of these women either don't want to have a baby right then or can't afford to have a baby.  So what happened to the condom?  The patch?  The Pill?  Well I'll explain it to you.  Sex ed classes in schools suck.  It really shouldn't be classified as a sex ed class but should be called what it is, an anatomy class.  All that stuff kids already had an idea about.  She's got a vagina and he's got a penis.  What is not taught is sexual education such as; birth control, the financial impact of children and effective parenting/communication.  As we can see from several media reports, that just drives some parents batty.  I don't see why it can't be a senior class for 17 yr olds who are past or at the age of sexual consent.

We've got a few million women who just know the basics of sexual health, birth control, the actual cost and psychological impact of having a child.  Think back to what you didn't learn in sex ed class beyond the anatomy lesson.  I know plenty of women who've never seen their vagina and are totally uncomfortable discussing anything remotely sexual.  If a woman gets pregnant the first one who's blamed is the father of the child.  If a woman gets an STD the person blamed is the man.  Most women don't find out about an STD or HIV/AIDS until they've gone for a pregnancy test.  Why is that?

Now ask yourself this question.  How many women do you know ever take an active role in their sexual health by asking their partner to wear a condom or see their ob-gyn for birth control?  It's not a man's total responsibility to make sure his female partner is protected at all times, women have to accept that responsibility also.  That's how you lower the abortion rates and quite possibly HIV/AIDS rates because the 2nd highest category of cases is high risk heterosexual contact which accounts for about 80% of female infection.

Unfortunately, I don't think that will ever happen as long as religion continues to play a role in sexual health.  Until that happens and until women take a more active role in prevention of unwanted pregnancies, STDs and HIV/AIDS.  Do not expect to see any changes.  Every pro-life/pro-chioce person who advocates against comprehensive sexual education is just as culpable in all the abortions they say they'd like to prevent.