The Tiny Voice of Reason

When Did I Realise I Was......What?

I get this question so often I thought it would be wiser to write down my answer instead of decking the next person to blithely voice it again.  I will endeavour to keep the sarcasm to a bare minimum since I usually reply with the question "When did you realise you were an arsehole?  How about brainless imbecile?"  Here in the realm of written English language I do believe I can straighten my shirt, dust off my sleeves and hold onto my temper.

I was told I was black when another child in primary school pointed it out as why I could not henna my hands.  I was told I was female when a boy tried to prevent me from playing soccer and pointed it out.  I was told I was a darker shade of brown and did not have the "nice" skin and/or hair when another family member received better clothing, toys and respect from other members of the family.  I was told I was a bastard by other children who pointed out my parent's marital situation.

I was told I was an immigrant with lesser rights when an African American at college requested I repay my EOP grant and speak to him when I got citizenship.  I was told I was a whore and slapped on the Number 4 train in NYC after picking up my baby from day care since I had no husband present.  I was told I was frigid and should see about a cure when I told a partner I preferred intimacy to sex.

I was told many things only after someone else used one part of me to categorise me and pointed out those parts.  I have been told many things by many people.  That I am unworthy, unloved, unwanted, abominable, a bastard, frigid, a whore, trash and many other things.  Will you ask me now when I realised I was all of these things simply because these words are what others use to describe me?  To realise in this definition of the word, is to accept the definition provided by another.  I realise nothing.  I know who I am.  There is nothing to realise.

You may see many separate things and others may see many more separate things as though I have been overly pixelated to distorted proportions.  To you I am a piece of something; to me,I am whole.  There was no realisation.  I did no realising.  I live and I am.  There was no "Eureka!" moment.  No "Hey, they are right and I am wrong" moment.  It implies a lack of self-awareness, knowledge and acceptance.  I already know there is no other me.  Even if I had a twin, there would be no other me.  Of course I am different.  Of course I am not like you.  I have no wish to be you, as I love being me.

Why not ask me; "When did you first fall in love?", or "When was your first crush?" or "When did you find your best friend?"  That would be more accurate in this concept of realisation you speak about.  I realised I had a crush on a boy at primary school when I was in 2nd form and he actually listened to what I had to say.  Or better yet, ask me when did I know who I was.  I was asked the silly questions "Who are you?" and "What's your name?" at the age of 2 and every few years before I attended school as if I would suddenly forget.  My name is Jo.  It is the only label I accept since I customised it to fit and I had to keep repeating it until others realised that is the only thing that's important.

I hope you know you can be a total #($#&!

BDSM Society's Dirty Little Secret

No time like the present to hang this one out on the line in the bright sunlight.  :)

I know we've discussed Gender Expression before.  You know?  Folks who express themselves contrary to the gender roles we interpret.  Such as men who are straight but have the gender expression of almost everything we would consider female such as spending an hour getting ready.  Of course that's all within the eye of the beholder I believe.  Things I've seen attributed to women I would consider mutual.

So here we are at what I consider to be Sexual Expression.  This is where people express their sexuality, not sexual orientation, contrary to our interpretations (most likely things we would not be comfortable doing sexually) of sexual expression.  Like, spankings, whippings, canings, nipple clamps, prostate stimulation, dominance & submission etc.  *ticks off fingers*  Who cares!  Sexual Expression is what you are comfortable with.

I say that there are certain sexual positions and forms of sexual expression that you'd have to shoot me before I'd ever do them.  Like full knowledgeable exhibitionism.  I can do sneaky exhibitionism but with full awareness from an audience?  Hell no!  Yet some light bondage I'd do without batting an eyelash.  lol  Who doesn't have a pair of fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold?

So why is it that BDSM, regardless of gay, lesbian, asexual, bisexual or straight gets a big resounding "NO!" from the majority of society?  I've heard folks complain about the BDSM society at Gay Pride Parades (not to mention the Bears & Cubs).  Why?  It's their sexual expression.  It almost seems as if you can be part of the GLBT family for some people, as long as you act straight and part of the straight family as long as you don't act gay.  So either way acting straight, or Same Sex Gender Expression, seems to be preferred.   Same goes for Sexual Expression with BDSM being frowned on by both sides.  You can be straight but don't ever let it get out that you have a dungeon in your basement.  Suddenly you are viewed as a pedophile snatching kids unawares from the street.  Why is everyone who's sexually different a pedophile; except for the actual pedophile?  That person is always the pillar of the community (gay or straight) until the criminal acts surface.

BDSM is the kid no one wants associated with them on the playground.  Just as left out and misunderstood as the transgender kid with the lack of information on gender identity.  Who knows?  Maybe there is a Sexual Identity (dominant, submissive or switch) and a separate Sexual Expression (sexual acts you are comfortable with).

Okay.  Let's talk about the law now.  If your actions as a citizen hurt another citizen then, and only then should it be a crime.  I can understand laws set up when the person is not a consenting adult.  When it comes to sexual expression I don't think the law or a doctor with meds should be involved unless there is a crime committed and a true disorder is present. 

Homosexuality has been removed from the Psychiatry books because being gay/lesbian does not cause distress to an individual society does with it's prejudice.  Unfortunately, (Gender Identity Disorder) Transgender and BDSM (Paraphilia) are still on the books as "disorders".   While being gay/lesbian/bisexual has officially been released from the psychiatric stigma, transgender and BDSM individuals have not.  They are still fighting for their right not to be medicated.

No one thinks twice about fuzzy handcuffs, role-playing, or "inventive" sex.  Everyone runs out, or hangs out, in the bookshops reading the Kama Sutras et. al tittering over stuff that makes them quiver.  Someone who's open about it on the other hand gets ridiculed. 

Makes me go back to that popular phrase from the anti-gay folks "keep it in the bedroom.  I don't need to see it"  Does anyone realise that phrase is directed at not only the GLBTA community but anyone whose sexual expression differs? 

Anti-gay folks (I prefer anti-sex) clump everything together.  Gender Identity (Transgender), Gender Expression (Flamers & Butch), Sexual Orientation (Gay, Straight, Bisexual), Sexual Expression (Fetish, Bondage, Machoism)  and what I call Sexual Identity (Dominant, Submissive and Switch).  Sounds a lot like gay, straight or bi doesn't it.  lol 

All these things are grouped together and treated as if they are the criminal actions like the straight, gay or bi pedophile, the flasher (criminal exhibitionism), criminal frottage, criminal S&M etc.   How can folks not realise that all the above are actions?  It's only a crime when you commit an act with a non-consenting adult.  

Personally, as far as D/s goes, I don't know how dominant's don't get exhausted.  lol  I don't mean physically.   I had no clue about D/s as a teen.  I got into a relationship with my daughter's father at age 13.  He always needed.  It was just the way he was.  Left all the decisions up to me.  I, at age 13 had to tell him at age 18 that it was time he got a job.  His family started turning to me when they wanted him to do something.  Even later when it became a sexual relationship, I was nudged into taking control there.  It got mentally exhausting because I'm was not the dominant kind of person that he needed.  I'm not sexually or personality dominant.  I'm mellow.  In between. 

I look at other relationships that we've seen, as a society, where we've shook our heads and said "that man/woman is pussy/dick whipped and/or henpecked"  and I wonder.   That may not be true.  How they are living just doesn't jibe with our own personality or sexual identity.  Some folks are just submissive.  Some sexually, others personality wise, and other both.  Society calls them people pleasers and weak.  That word again.  Weak. 

Take my previous relationship.  My ex has a really dominating personality and has to be in control of everything.  That's his personality and sexual identity.  I was happy with his personality in the beginning until I realised at the end he needed someone who is totally submissive.  We just call it "our type".  He wasn't my type.  I don't need to be cared for at such a level to be happy.  That was our initial problem.

Society finds BDSM appalling for many reasons.  The focus on S&M which many D/s relationships don't include.  You have to separate D/s from S&M as it is not all one thing.  Just as being a gay man does not mean you automatically have female gender expression. Take a look at old fashioned marriages.  That's an example of a D/s relationship but only a loving one if both partners are happy and compatible.  I doubt we can ever imagine grandma allowing grandpa to hit her without her consent.  A loving slap on the butt in passing completely differs from being beaten without your consent.  We hit our partners all the time without thought and it's consensual.  A slap on the arm or butt, squeezing a boob or pinching a cheek.  Only when it's non-consensual that it hurts. 

If it's consensual and they're happy who'm I to judge?  I occasionally D/s role play with my guy according to our sexual identities. :) Of course there is an argument that just because you like to be spanked you deserve the non-consensual stuff and therefore have no legal protections. :(