The Tiny Voice of Reason

Commitment: You, Me.....And Who Invited These Folks!?

I've been spending time trying to figure out what bothers me so much about marriage.  First it was the whole equality issue.  I've been in three long term relationships since I was thirteen.  An on again off again nine year relationship with my eldest daughter's father, a volatile four and a half year relationship with the father of my three sons and now an evolving one with the father of my youngest daughter.  One thing was the same for all of them, each guy had this idea about what a "woman's" place is.

I have never sat around waiting for anyone to throw their jacket over a puddle for me.  I have never stayed home and waited for anyone to grant me a spending allowance.  I've never expected anyone to want to pay all my bills either.  I would much rather split everything.  I admit to being independent to the point I've forgotten I can ask for help from a partner instead of analysing and finding a course of action.  I'm not one for pretending to be delicate and fragile allowing that I also suck at acting.

While getting to know a partner can be positively great one moment and the biggest headache the other, I'm fine with two person relationships.  My partner and I.  Each child and I.  I've told my partner that if and that's a big if, I were to ever get married I don't want some big thing with hundreds of relatives.  I don't even want parents there.  I'd prefer only immediate family.  Us and the kids. 

What makes me break out in a cold sweat and gives me nightmares is in-laws.  Not just my in-laws.  My family too.  When people get into committed relationships the in-laws seem to think they are also marrying or dating you.  Piss of a sister-in-law?  She then wants her sibling to divorce or dump you because she can't stand you.  Or the running commentary from your own family?  It's why I keep saying that I'm fine with a long term relationship or even a common law marriage.  

I guess I keep hoping that if we stay together long enough the families will stop asking questions like "When are you guys gonna make it official?"  Well hell, I thought it was already official.  Our relationship has been longer than most people's "official" marriages.  Six years so far.   I'd rather hear "You guys are good?"  You know?  As if family cares about the relationship instead of how it looks.

In the back of my mind I have this hope that after year twenty, when we elope, it will cease to matter whether we have a paper or not.  That people will finally get the idea that the paper is never what's most important.  It took me till this morning to realise that I never feel uncomfortable around my partner.  It's us around marriage rabid family members eager to dole out ridiculously bad marriage and relationship advice that gives me the heebie jeebies.  The "Rules of Marriage".  When they think you're just dating they don't focus on you with such laser like precision.

You're always afraid in the back of your mind that somehow these people.  These family members have more power over your relationship than you do.  That who your partner knows you to be and loves you for anyway will become the issue of an ultimatum, and long lectures about how bad you are for them, later.  I recently had an argument with my partner after his sisters made my asexuality an issue with him not me.  I was never spoken to directly.  They didn't want me in contact with their children on Facebook.

Even though my partner has access to my Facebook and blog, even though he has read the blog and was there while I was writing, he still doubted me for a few seconds.  Family should not have such power over whom you love, trust and accept.  I guess what I think sucks about the inevitable in-laws is that I picked my partner.  I wanted to have an emotionally intimate relationship with this person.  Suddenly it's considered "serious" and a bunch of strangers want to meet me, grill me and judge me on a daily basis on whether I'm a fit partner.  Their opinion shouldn't matter.

If I ever get married, and that's a big if, no family is invited.  I'd rather throw anniversary parties and never let them know about the marriage.   I can commit to a partner.  I just can't seem to commit to in-laws.   I guess that answers the question.  I would get married.  I just want to make sure I we all, my partner and I, understand that it's a two person relationship.  If family has a problem with either of us, they should speak directly to that person.  That is their relationship or lack of one with either of us and has nothing to do with our relationship with each other.

When Did I Realise I Was......What?

I get this question so often I thought it would be wiser to write down my answer instead of decking the next person to blithely voice it again.  I will endeavour to keep the sarcasm to a bare minimum since I usually reply with the question "When did you realise you were an arsehole?  How about brainless imbecile?"  Here in the realm of written English language I do believe I can straighten my shirt, dust off my sleeves and hold onto my temper.

I was told I was black when another child in primary school pointed it out as why I could not henna my hands.  I was told I was female when a boy tried to prevent me from playing soccer and pointed it out.  I was told I was a darker shade of brown and did not have the "nice" skin and/or hair when another family member received better clothing, toys and respect from other members of the family.  I was told I was a bastard by other children who pointed out my parent's marital situation.

I was told I was an immigrant with lesser rights when an African American at college requested I repay my EOP grant and speak to him when I got citizenship.  I was told I was a whore and slapped on the Number 4 train in NYC after picking up my baby from day care since I had no husband present.  I was told I was frigid and should see about a cure when I told a partner I preferred intimacy to sex.

I was told many things only after someone else used one part of me to categorise me and pointed out those parts.  I have been told many things by many people.  That I am unworthy, unloved, unwanted, abominable, a bastard, frigid, a whore, trash and many other things.  Will you ask me now when I realised I was all of these things simply because these words are what others use to describe me?  To realise in this definition of the word, is to accept the definition provided by another.  I realise nothing.  I know who I am.  There is nothing to realise.

You may see many separate things and others may see many more separate things as though I have been overly pixelated to distorted proportions.  To you I am a piece of something; to me,I am whole.  There was no realisation.  I did no realising.  I live and I am.  There was no "Eureka!" moment.  No "Hey, they are right and I am wrong" moment.  It implies a lack of self-awareness, knowledge and acceptance.  I already know there is no other me.  Even if I had a twin, there would be no other me.  Of course I am different.  Of course I am not like you.  I have no wish to be you, as I love being me.

Why not ask me; "When did you first fall in love?", or "When was your first crush?" or "When did you find your best friend?"  That would be more accurate in this concept of realisation you speak about.  I realised I had a crush on a boy at primary school when I was in 2nd form and he actually listened to what I had to say.  Or better yet, ask me when did I know who I was.  I was asked the silly questions "Who are you?" and "What's your name?" at the age of 2 and every few years before I attended school as if I would suddenly forget.  My name is Jo.  It is the only label I accept since I customised it to fit and I had to keep repeating it until others realised that is the only thing that's important.

I hope you know you can be a total #($#&!

Observations on Prejudice, Bigotry, Hatred, Violence & Equality

I'm familiar with prejudice.  Prejudice is a result of lack of information and/or experience.  People with prejudices usually do not realise they are prejudiced since it is all that they and the community around them know or have experienced the world around them. 

Like a housed person, someone who is not nor has ever been homeless, living under the assumption that all homeless people dropped out of high school, started drinking, using drugs and living on the streets.  That's prejudice.  More life experience, whether it is volunteering at a shelter and talking directly to the homeless or by becoming homeless at some point in life, is the only way to dispel prejudice against the homeless. 

Bigotry on the other hand is more of a sort of classism.  Being on a higher level or upper echelon of society than others who are not like oneself.  Whether by race, religion, gender, sex, sexual orientation, income, geographics and many other diversionary tactics.  Every prejudiced individual is not a bigot, yet every bigot is prejudiced.  One must believe oneself to be above the other religion, race or other labels and base this on the very few facts and/or experience one has in regards of the other religion, race or other labels. 

For example, a sexual bigot believes they are on a higher level than those who are not of their sexual orientation and bases this on the few facts and/or experiences they have with other sexual orientations and/or sexual minorities.  A straight individual believing they are better than gay, bi or asexuals due to assumptions of promiscuity of gays and bisexuals or sexual dysfunction of asexuals.  A gay individual believing they are better than straights, bisexuals or asexuals due to belief of rampant reproduction of straights and bisexuals or sexual dysfunction of asexuals. 

One can be a gender bigot where one gender is placed above another or where both genders are raised above those who are physically transitioning and affirming their gender.  There are gender bigots, racial bigots, religious bigots, nationality bigots, reproductive bigots, as the lists go on and on.  The use of a stereotype or one bare individualistic fact to raise oneself above others.

Hatred, in some cases, is the seeming change of certain personally held facts about another and the sudden realisation of similarities between individuals causing intense fear.  For example, two uber macho individuals who have the similar likes and dislikes yet different sexual orientations.  One holding personally held facts about gay individuals only to realise there are very few differences.  If there are so few differences, then how do you prove you are different?  How do you set yourself apart?  Some choose distance, some believe everyone is different, some become victims of random violence, others situational violence, while others choose intimate terrorism.

Situational violence is a mutual occurrence.  Cause and effect.  One person says something, another responds, and it escalates to where both become violent.  Random violence though, is just that, random.  One vulnerable stranger randomly selected for violence to prove something to oneself or society.  Intimate terrorism on the other hand is about control.  Control over every aspect of a person's life.  Reparation therapy is a form of intimate terrorism of a child from a parent, an individual from a family, or an individual from a community and/or church.

Intimate terrorism is about isolation and control.  There is no one to talk to.  No one to trust.  No one to share with.  No one to entrust all of yourself with.  No feeling of emotional safety.  No love.  No hope.  Only isolation, pain, distrust and fear.   No psychological escape until you begin to sink into the very depths of utter desolation and despair.  Where it feels as though you have even deserted yourself.  Even thoughts are bullying, derogatory and spiteful.  Where death feels as if it would be better than the non-life one is already living.  Yet, the cage is based on a prejudice.  Self-prejudice.  The constant distraction of benevolent jailers is meant to keep one from finding the cracks in the foundation and digging out from under the despair, fear and self-loathing.

One day, you begin to use the facts you have been given about yourself as questions.  When we begin to answer them in our own words instead of those we have been given do the locks on our prison finally begin to open.  A friend once asked me about prejudice, bigotry and slavery.  I responded with a story regarding my family.  My family won freedom from slavery generations ago, yet we still were the caretakers for generations of our former masters after slavery ended. 

When, as children, we were found in straight-forward equal conversation with one of our former master's generations our elders chastised us and reminded us of our place.  That we should not approach this person with disrespect.  Let me explain something.  In order to be anything, slave, social minority or equal, one must believe that is what you are.  It is all psychological.  As a child, I saw myself as an equal thus I conducted myself as an equal and no matter who told me I was not, that was their belief not mine. 

Physical chains are made of materials that disintegrate with time.  They erode in the wind, rain, sleet and snow with the seasons.  Mental chains can only be placed and removed by the individual who wears them.  As Pinocchio said "There ain't no strings on me."

My Asexuality; Simplified

There is a reason I say that sometimes I would rather have a friendship instead of a relationship.  At least a friendship is honest.  As friends we are not expecting anything other than a shoulder to cry on, an listening ear, comforting arms, a joke to break our sadness, and a stern talking to when we need it.  Just being a friend.  That kind of intimacy can be hard to come by when sex is involved.

When sex is involved some partners lose sight of the fact that we are people.  The gestures are no longer honest or done of spontaneity.  They are done with expectations.  In a friendship I do not have to question whether my friend wants something in return.  A hug is a hug, a kiss is a kiss and not always an invitation. 

In friendship, my friend does not pretend to listen to me as an opening to use sex for comfort.  My friend listens because they are my friend.  My friend knows I need the safety of our friendship to say how I feel, to express my emotions, to process whatever it is I am going through.  They do not use my confusion, my pain, my emotional state for their own gratification.

After the first few months I would already know most of my friend's life story.  Their family, childhood stories, favourite things, foods, places, hopes, dreams and aspirations.  I would not, after almost six years, barely know anything about my friend because they do not believe it is important for me to know.

A friend would not only remember but respect my boundaries because it would be important to our friendship and therefore my friend.  My friend would never try to manipulate me into disregarding my boundaries for their own single minded pleasure.  My friend would respect me more than that. 

Friendship, respect, communication and trust are the foundation of any relationship.  Whether platonic or romantic.  What I have searched for in my romantic relationships I have only found in my platonic ones.  Intimacy.  As an asexual I value non-sexual intimacy.  I value emotional and physical intimacy.  Sexual intimacy is only one part of physical intimacy.  For sexuals it can be 90% of physical intimacy, while for asexuals it can be anywhere from 50% to 0%.  It depends on the asexual.

It is very, very, very hard to be sexually intimate on a long term basis with anyone, regardless of whether you are sexual or asexual, when there is no intimacy.  Asexuals regard this as sex positivity and it is regarded as romance to sexuals.  It is simply intimacy.  That is all I have ever wanted.  It is what I cannot find.  I cannot remain a sex positive asexual, in a relationship with a sexual, without it.  When you are able to have both a friend and a partner, you have won the lottery.

Why is non-sexual intimacy so hard for others to understand?  Maybe this will help you understand:

Podcast: David Jay's Asexual Persepctive on Intimacy

Asexuality: Coming Out

Coming out for some is a one time thing.  For me, an asexual, I have to "come out" at the beginning of every single relationship.   Those who are Gay or Bi or Straight simply say those words with a preceding "I am" which provides anyone with the gender they are sexually attracted to and "Voila!" no problem.  

All of my relationships seem to start the same.  I explain that I am not sexually attracted, not interested in sex yet I do like talking to them, spending time and they pretend to listen, while interpreting what I've said to mean I simply need time to get to know them before the passion explodes.  Saying "I am Asexual" only starts the crickets chirping and then explaining that no I do not self-replicate.

I never had a word that someone could look up that explains my sexual orientation until 2006.  It was left up to me to try to pull the millions of little pieces which create the entire picture to explain it to others.  There were so many conversation detours when I tried to explain it all that in the end I just mentally said "Oh, to hell with this! Believe what you will!" in sheer frustration.

I tried to explain that my lack of sexual interest has nothing to do with the orgasm experience and it never got any further than that.  There were so many questions on how could I not want an orgasm.  What sexual dysfunction did I suffer from?  Did I get therapy for my sexual dysfunction?  Did I stop my medication and was I at least considering surgery to fix whatever had to be wrong with me?  Am I a lesbian?  Am I bisexual?  Did I secretly hate men? 

Explaining that I have experienced orgasm by myself, yet, see no reason to repeat the experience is met with slack jawed shock.  How can you not like masturbation?  Everyone loves masturbation!!  Well excuse me for having a "Meh" experience with myself.  I never said I hated masturbation, it just does not "blow my mind" the way it does yours.  I have other things I would much rather be doing.  The first couple orgasms are okay and then I find myself becoming rather bored with the whole thing. 

The conversation took so many twists and turns off subject since many can understand that you want to have sex and orgasm with someone of the opposite sex, or the same sex and the idea of not wanting either short circuited their synapses.  I had to want someone else.  If I wanted to sleep with someone else, fine, it was my fault not theirs.  I would be bi or gay and it was just something they could not give me sexually.  Being Asexual, on the other hand, sounded like I was sneering at their sexual technique. 

How could I not enjoy it?  Why would I not think of "moving on" to someone else who may be sexually compatible if they were not?  I had to move on to someone more sexually compatible.  I had to.  They did not want to be known as the one who made a girl go entirely celibate.  The idea of being so bad you "turn someone gay" no longer applies in this day and age.  Everyone finally understands that there are different sexual orientations and you were simply not sexually compatible to begin with.  The problem is that no one understands that Asexuality is a sexual orientation and still see it as a "medical problem that can be cured".

Eventually we would end up at the subject of my children, as their "Aha!  I gotcha!" topic.  If I were "Asexual" and had no sexual attraction to anyone of either gender why did I have children?  You have to have sex to have children?  If you have no desire to have sex that means you have no desire to have children! 

Well that answer was simple.  I possess a reproductive urge which is separate from my sexual orientation.  Just like many ask gay men and women why they have biological children when they are gay, or why a reproductively healthy heterosexual woman will opt to adopt or use IVF.  I wanted a child.  I had a child.  Internal fertilisation is only one way to reproduce and I direct them back to their biology classes on the subjects of internal and external fertilisation in nature.

I always saw myself being a parent.  I may never have given a thought, when I was a teen, as to what I would have to do to have one yet I knew I would have children.  I will confess to seriously considering being a foster or adoptive parent directly after giving birth.  These were all the many detour subjects that I went, and go through, with my never ending coming out. 

Sometimes having to revisit previous conversations for more clarification due to a significant lack of knowledge.  When we finally got to the different types of asexuals; homo-romantic, hetero-romantic, bi-romantic, pan-romantic, aromantic etc., that sets off new rounds of questions and amazingly actually has more than a few people understanding their own sexuality better.