I've been spending time trying to figure out what bothers me so much about marriage. First it was the whole equality issue. I've been in three long term relationships since I was thirteen. An on again off again nine year relationship with my eldest daughter's father, a volatile four and a half year relationship with the father of my three sons and now an evolving one with the father of my youngest daughter. One thing was the same for all of them, each guy had this idea about what a "woman's" place is.
I have never sat around waiting for anyone to throw their jacket over a puddle for me. I have never stayed home and waited for anyone to grant me a spending allowance. I've never expected anyone to want to pay all my bills either. I would much rather split everything. I admit to being independent to the point I've forgotten I can ask for help from a partner instead of analysing and finding a course of action. I'm not one for pretending to be delicate and fragile allowing that I also suck at acting.
While getting to know a partner can be positively great one moment and the biggest headache the other, I'm fine with two person relationships. My partner and I. Each child and I. I've told my partner that if and that's a big if, I were to ever get married I don't want some big thing with hundreds of relatives. I don't even want parents there. I'd prefer only immediate family. Us and the kids.
What makes me break out in a cold sweat and gives me nightmares is in-laws. Not just my in-laws. My family too. When people get into committed relationships the in-laws seem to think they are also marrying or dating you. Piss of a sister-in-law? She then wants her sibling to divorce or dump you because she can't stand you. Or the running commentary from your own family? It's why I keep saying that I'm fine with a long term relationship or even a common law marriage.
I guess I keep hoping that if we stay together long enough the families will stop asking questions like "When are you guys gonna make it official?" Well hell, I thought it was already official. Our relationship has been longer than most people's "official" marriages. Six years so far. I'd rather hear "You guys are good?" You know? As if family cares about the relationship instead of how it looks.
In the back of my mind I have this hope that after year twenty, when we elope, it will cease to matter whether we have a paper or not. That people will finally get the idea that the paper is never what's most important. It took me till this morning to realise that I never feel uncomfortable around my partner. It's us around marriage rabid family members eager to dole out ridiculously bad marriage and relationship advice that gives me the heebie jeebies. The "Rules of Marriage". When they think you're just dating they don't focus on you with such laser like precision.
You're always afraid in the back of your mind that somehow these people. These family members have more power over your relationship than you do. That who your partner knows you to be and loves you for anyway will become the issue of an ultimatum, and long lectures about how bad you are for them, later. I recently had an argument with my partner after his sisters made my asexuality an issue with him not me. I was never spoken to directly. They didn't want me in contact with their children on Facebook.
Even though my partner has access to my Facebook and blog, even though he has read the blog and was there while I was writing, he still doubted me for a few seconds. Family should not have such power over whom you love, trust and accept. I guess what I think sucks about the inevitable in-laws is that I picked my partner. I wanted to have an emotionally intimate relationship with this person. Suddenly it's considered "serious" and a bunch of strangers want to meet me, grill me and judge me on a daily basis on whether I'm a fit partner. Their opinion shouldn't matter.
If I ever get married, and that's a big if, no family is invited. I'd rather throw anniversary parties and never let them know about the marriage. I can commit to a partner. I just can't seem to commit to in-laws. I guess that answers the question. I would get married. I just want to make sure I we all, my partner and I, understand that it's a two person relationship. If family has a problem with either of us, they should speak directly to that person. That is their relationship or lack of one with either of us and has nothing to do with our relationship with each other.
Recent Comments