I get this question so often I thought it would be wiser to write down my answer instead of decking the next person to blithely voice it again. I will endeavour to keep the sarcasm to a bare minimum since I usually reply with the question "When did you realise you were an arsehole? How about brainless imbecile?" Here in the realm of written English language I do believe I can straighten my shirt, dust off my sleeves and hold onto my temper.
I was told I was black when another child in primary school pointed it out as why I could not henna my hands. I was told I was female when a boy tried to prevent me from playing soccer and pointed it out. I was told I was a darker shade of brown and did not have the "nice" skin and/or hair when another family member received better clothing, toys and respect from other members of the family. I was told I was a bastard by other children who pointed out my parent's marital situation.
I was told I was an immigrant with lesser rights when an African American at college requested I repay my EOP grant and speak to him when I got citizenship. I was told I was a whore and slapped on the Number 4 train in NYC after picking up my baby from day care since I had no husband present. I was told I was frigid and should see about a cure when I told a partner I preferred intimacy to sex.
I was told many things only after someone else used one part of me to categorise me and pointed out those parts. I have been told many things by many people. That I am unworthy, unloved, unwanted, abominable, a bastard, frigid, a whore, trash and many other things. Will you ask me now when I realised I was all of these things simply because these words are what others use to describe me? To realise in this definition of the word, is to accept the definition provided by another. I realise nothing. I know who I am. There is nothing to realise.
You may see many separate things and others may see many more separate things as though I have been overly pixelated to distorted proportions. To you I am a piece of something; to me,I am whole. There was no realisation. I did no realising. I live and I am. There was no "Eureka!" moment. No "Hey, they are right and I am wrong" moment. It implies a lack of self-awareness, knowledge and acceptance. I already know there is no other me. Even if I had a twin, there would be no other me. Of course I am different. Of course I am not like you. I have no wish to be you, as I love being me.
Why not ask me; "When did you first fall in love?", or "When was your first crush?" or "When did you find your best friend?" That would be more accurate in this concept of realisation you speak about. I realised I had a crush on a boy at primary school when I was in 2nd form and he actually listened to what I had to say. Or better yet, ask me when did I know who I was. I was asked the silly questions "Who are you?" and "What's your name?" at the age of 2 and every few years before I attended school as if I would suddenly forget. My name is Jo. It is the only label I accept since I customised it to fit and I had to keep repeating it until others realised that is the only thing that's important.
I hope you know you can be a total #($#&!
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