The Tiny Voice of Reason

Damn....I'm Slow

I was trying to figure out exactly what it was I was angry about for all these years and it took my 12 yr old to give me that light bulb moment.  Ah therapy, it never ends.  I've spent a long time preventing myself from trusting those I let get close to me under the assumption that it's me being realistic.  Uh huh.  Yeah.  Then when the outcome was a negative one I'd be upset.  Okay.  I'd be pissed but mostly at myself not them.  That part of me would be yelling in my head "Yeah, you just have to be such a damn optimist, eh?!  Hope, hope, hope!  Eh?!" 

Back to the 12 yr old.  I didn't realise my 12 yr old had "expectations" of me.  From the very beginning I've never, or I believe I've never, acted any differently.  Don't you get the feeling sometimes that kids expect some fairytale mythical parent?  Like the Huxtables, June Cleaver or Mr & Mrs. Brady?  Then they come home, look at you and just droop with disappointment?  I recently wanted to tell the old 12 yr old that she wasn't what I expected either, that's why I just let her be who she was from the beginning.  I mean, really!  Do you think a tomboy would expect to give birth to one of the girliest (is that even a word?) of girls? 

My 12 yr old even took it to trying to say that the 3 yr old got more hugs than her.  Hello!?  Uh, when you were 8 or 9 you demanded I never do that in public!?  Squirmed away as fast as you could because you were busy?  Where the heck did this kid's memory go?  How come I remember this and she doesn't?  None of that stuff was important to her back then.  School started, she discovered friends and I stepped back and let her have her space.  I never went anywhere. 

It's not that I don't like my hair or to dress up, I can clean up pretty good.  It's more that it's not, and never has been, in my top most important things in life; unless there's a job interview involved.  HA!  So, when the 12 yr old looked at me, just drooping in disappointment that I'm not like the "other moms" who are always fanatically shopping for Halloween (the holiday I always forget) or new designer duds, I'll admit that I wanted to lob my protein bar at her. 

That's when I had my AHA moment.  In the middle of my mild case of resentment that my own kid wanted me to be someone else, I realised that was the way I felt about my mum.  I also had a fairytale version of her all scripted out and she never acted, or reacted, the way I believed she would.  Think June Cleaver vs some 60s party animal.  I spent most of my life simply horrified.  It took me 28 years to realise I'm disappointed.  It's amazingly hilarious.  One of those "Aren't we stupid!?" moments.  Really, aren't we?  Isn't it just the stupidest thing you have ever heard? 

Thirty-two years of frustration, resentment and angst on both our parts all because we couldn't accept who was right in front of us.  It's sad.  What's even sadder?  I've kept lots of people at arms length with this conditioned disappointment.  Hope. Disappointment.  Everyone was "just like her".  Never who I expected.  Well, the good thing is that I finally kicked my self in the ass and said life isn't about only me.  If I want to be accepted, I have to not only accept myself; I have to accept others as they are. 

Since that mystery of why I was really angry at my mum was cleared up it's amazing how you see situations differently.  All the struggles between us.  Neither one of us wanting to change yet demanding that the other did and conform to our vision.  The inability to cope with the reality of who the other was.  Her verbal, mental and physical abuse of us.  That's how she coped with it.  Our rebellion, resentment, anger and the sibling resentment.  Now therapy sessions.  Well, pseudo therapy since I'm doing this on my own.  After all, therapy is being totally honest with yourself.

Bisexuality: An Education

I recently posted an article written by Leslie Davis called What's the Beef w/Bisexuality?  I've heard responses to this article that are simply more stereotyping of bisexuals.  So here is my response to the comments.

Lets have an English class on the word Monogamous because that's what most bisexuals, gays and straights are.  Monogamy: the state or custom of being married/committed to one person at a time.  Whether it's social, sexual, or marital monogamy, being bisexual is as simple as that.  Yes, the dating pool is much bigger but you're only looking for one person to have an intimate committed relationship with.  Period.

No matter what sexual orientation you are, and sometimes age, you may not be looking for a commitment at a certain time in your life.   You're interested in having fun, meeting new people and enjoying life.  If you are straight, you date the opposite sex;  if you are gay you date the same sex; and if you are bi you date either sex.  I've seen both straight/gay men and women who go to clubs just to hook up and have sex for the night.  So how did only bisexuals become promiscuous? 

Everyone is potentially promiscuous, not one group regardless of age, gender, race, sexual orientation, ethnicity and disability.  Promiscuity is also in the eye of the beholder.  Someone can sleep with just 1 person and be called a slut because they had sex before marriage; while it may take sleeping with 100 to earn that label in another culture or that 100 may be revered in yet another culture.  This also differs by gender.  A woman has a better chance of being called a slut than a guy (gay, bi or straight) has of being called a man-whore.

If you are dating anyone the one thing both of you do is go into the relationship with the understanding that it is exclusive unless specified otherwise.  I'm not talking about a friends with benefits relationship that some non-committed people create.  I'm talking about a committed relationship where it's just the two of you.  It's the same as any other committed relationship and has nothing to do with sexual orientation.  Bisexual people are not fence sitters, or confused, or trying to cover bases to stay out of hell.  They just have no restrictions to committing to one person of either sex whom they love. 

Everyone has the potential to cheat.  That's a personal decision someone makes regardless again of age, gender, race, ethnicity or sexual orientation.  Cheating is a decision.  An immature decision but a decision all the same.  It's not a straight, gay, or bisexual who cheated; it's your partner.  The person.  The man or woman.  They made that decision instead of trying to effectively communicate and resolve the issue or simply just break off the relationship/marriage.  That's it in a nutshell.

So what's so hard to understand about someone being bisexual?  They love you, whomever you are.  They will commit to you, whomever you are.  Unless they are a totally immature S.O.B, they'll be faithful.  All being bisexual means is that you don't find loving or having an intimate relationship with anyone of either the opposite/same sex distasteful.  If you do, then you are either gay or straight.  Just remember, if you just find having a relationship with one specific person distasteful...you're sexual orientation is not in question... you just don't like that person. 

Emotion is Not a Girl Thang! (Emotional Immaturity)

Yeah, I've done that in the past.  Started to get overwhelmed by all the stimuli life was throwing at me until I had a complete meltdown and lost my grip on logic.  Reverted back to being a five year old with all the name calling, pouting, stamping of feet and basically had me a good old temper tantrum.  When it was over and I got a grip on my logical self, my adult self, I was horrified.  I grabbed on the that immaturity and said "God!  I am such a girl!"  So, before you say anything, let me pop that younger me upside the head for that comment.

Being emotional has nothing to do with being a girl.  It has everything to do with our level of emotional maturity and ability to cope with stress.  When we were younger, and I'm talking back to toddlerhood, we had no coping mechanism for stress.  Things got too stressful and we did what worked for months.  Cried like babies, threw things, tossed ourselves on the floor and screamed at the top of our lungs.  No matter how obnoxious and nerve wracking our meltdown seemed to everyone else.  Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?  That's not saying that letting your emotions out is a bad thing.  We just need to find a better outlet for all that.

I think that statement that we are all kids at heart is true.  We are underneath the veneer of poised adulthood.  We still giggle at cartoons, like to play the occasional video game, hang out with our friends and shoot the breeze.  I've always seen work as just another form of school.  School taught us social interaction between other children and work teaches us social interaction between adults.  The one real thing we have to show after years of life is the quality of the relationships we forge.  No one sits at your funeral saying "She/he had the best degrees." or "Man, that car he/she had was the shit".  It's mainly "She/he was such a nice person.  So nice and giving.  Why?" or "They were such a crusty old scrooge.  Such an asshole.  Thought he/she was too mean to die".  Ya ken?

Emotions aren't gender specific.  Men have emotional meltdowns too.  They throw stuff, they yell, scream and cry.  I wouldn't dare call a 6 foot 6 big burly guy, or even a 5 foot 3 slender guy, who's expressing how he feels; a girl.  That's insulting for both him and me.  I'd be putting us both down by implying that 1. showing emotion is not manly and 2. that being a woman is the epitome of weakness.  Now, I don't know about you, but I'm not weak.  Whatever life throws my way I keep on getting up and moving on.  Take the emotional outbreak in the context it's displayed.  If a guy, or gal, is being overly emotional to the point where they are wallowing in self-pity that's not being "a girl" that's being an emotionally immature wreck. 

Look at it as a good thing.  Strength is tempered not simply by conflict but what we bring with us out the other side.  What we learn.  Expressing emotion shows extreme strength, especially if that person is still going on day after day working through it.  Now if they're being manipulative with their emotional outbreaks...then they're just being an immature little shit.  Emotional maturity is our ability to handle tough situations and it has to start development somewhere.  So enough already with the "You're such a girl!" crap.  Call it what it is; emotional immaturity.

A Hotel/Motel/Shelter Is Still a Residence

I've personally had an ex partner try to revoke my parental rights because I lived briefly at an extended stay hotel while in between apartments.  Sorry, that is still a residence.  If prisoners can have visitation rights and still have parental rights while serving a prison sentence, then a parent who lives in a hotel, or a bad neighbourhood has every right to visitation.

Sometimes, not understanding the law, we let others run right over us to get what they want without a fight.  Just like we would get a second opinion from a doctor, always get a second opinion from a lawyer.  There is always free legal advice that is provided by your county government.  I have never understood why many in civil cases for child support and visitation do not know this resource is available to them.

Click here for the Free Legal Services for your state.  It's our constitutional right to have a lawyer present in court.  Don't forget to keep a journal.